I'm sick of following the rules: bonus episode

September 3, 2023

episode audio

episode description

No matter what I do, I'll never be able to control how people judge me. So instead I'll just live my life however I feel like it.

transcript

 In the last episode I talked about being sick and tired of following the rules and I'm not talking about like conventional rules. Like I'm not talking about the law— definitely not talking about the law or anything like that.

I just am talking about like my own— the pressures I sometimes feel to have a certain career or act a certain way as a Black person. Or the reputation, the categories people sometimes put you into that can kind of feel like restricting and a little bit belittling sometimes.

And I talk about how frustrating it was that no matter what I do, I always seem to be seen as the quiet, timid, good girl, which I hate, because that is not me. I'm not quiet, I'm not timid, and I don't know if I'm a good girl. I just am a person, you know what I mean?

I just feel like that label doesn't fit me, and it's kind of frustrating, and I'm sick of it.

I'm sick and tired of it. I feel like I'm screaming internally and externally saying that I'm sick of it and that's not me, that's not who I am. You're wrong, you don't understand, you don't get it, you don't know who I am. I'm screaming that into the void.

And honestly, I'm still discovering who I am.

So sometimes when other people are telling me their thoughts of who they think I am, it kind of, like, messes me up. It makes me feel frustrated and annoyed, cause it's like, how would you know who I am when I don't even know who I am? You know what I mean? Like, who are you? Nobody. I feel kind of indignant.

Is that how you say that word? Indignant? Indignant. I think that's right. Anyway, so I chose the song Handful of Water by Sofia Valdez because it has this kind of like vibey music where, I don't know, it kind of feels like it embodies that experience I have where I feel like I'm like resigned a little bit to that reputation that I have— or had, or have been given, whatever.

But also that it's like, it's kind of like I'm resigned to it, but also not really. You know, like I'm like, well, I guess that's how I'll always be perceived, but then also like, SCREW THAT! You know what I mean?

Also it has this one line where it says, no matter what I do, like repeated over and over again. And I felt like that line was very— it was the epitome of the whole episode. It was like, no matter what I do, people always perceive me this way, no matter what I do, I still feel trapped, no matter what I do, I'm still bound by these invisible rules, in the end.

But yeah. Also, it's just a good song, like, I also, I just like it, so. Without further ado, here is Handful of Water by Sofia Valdez.