September 10, 2023
episode description
Failure is inevitable in life when you put yourself outside of your comfort zone, but that doesn't mean that it hurts any less... In this episode I grapple with failure once again along with the burnout that comes with working as hard as you can your entire life.
transcript
 I am about three months deep into post-grad and every day I have some type of identity crisis. Like every day.
And it's like a lot, especially because I'm doing a lot of things where I am putting myself outta my comfort zone and everything is confusing and I don't know what I'm doing with my life or where my life is going.
So I'm just confused all the time. Confused and nervous is how I would describe it.
And I just have this one question that circles in my brain over and over and over again. Like I keep coming back to it. I keep asking myself, what if I fail?
What's gonna happen if I fail?
I've done episodes called fear of failure and dealing with rejection and all that stuff.
But I just keep coming back to that question, what if I fail? Like, what's gonna happen?
And sometimes I'm like... So, what if I fail? Like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. You know what I'm saying? Like, it doesn't matter if I fail. What's the big deal? If I fail, I gotta pick myself back up again. There's no other choice.
But at other times, I'm like, So, what if I fail? What am I gonna do? I'm nervous and anxious about it. I feel like I go back and forth every day.
Sometimes I'm like, so what if I fail? (nonchalantly) Sometimes I'm like, So, what if I fail? (panicked) I go back and forth every day. And I find myself wondering when this back and forth will stop.
Will it be when I get a job? When I move out? If I go to grad school? When will this question stop? Or, will this question always be something that I have to deal with in my life? So what if I fail?
And I try to tell myself, you know that one quote where it's like, rejection is redirection, and that's all fine and dandy, but when you are, like, rejected, it doesn't feel like redirection.
It feels like mean, and it hurts your feelings, and you want to go cry a little bit. The rejection doesn't feel like redirection until you've had time to process those emotions, and then come to terms with the fact. And realize like okay, I got rejected. I need a game plan for what I'm gonna do next, I can't just sulk in this rejection because then the end result will always be rejection. If I try again the end result might not always be rejection and honestly like when I look back I feel kind of thankful, kind of grateful for the rejections that I have gotten because I I know I've grown a lot from them and I kinda have the attitude where it's like, you know, if I do get rejected, then like maybe it wasn't meant to be.
Maybe something greater is waiting for me on the horizon or maybe that one just wasn't meant for me. You know? Like maybe I wouldn't have been happy then. But, you know, all these thoughts are fine and all of that, but lately I've been thinking about the fact that I am so tired.
I feel like I go back and forth between feeling like I don't deserve to be tired because I'm not doing anything in comparison to what I was doing this time last year where I was commuting to school 40 minutes to school, right? I was a student teacher, like a full day of going to school three times a week and then having classes other times and also taking the praxis test to become an educator while also being the editor in chief of the literary magazine at my school while also teaching myself Korean while also having a part time job at a store retail store and it's crazy, especially when I think about like, what am I doing now?
What am I doing? Not all that. Definitely not all that. But I just feel so burnt out, especially as someone who is a child of immigrants, it's very difficult because you feel like you need to give it your 100 percent all of the time because they didn't have these opportunities and you do, and so you feel like you need to seize these opportunities and work as hard as you possibly can to make their are sacrifices for you to have these opportunities worth it.
And it's so hard because it's not like this is new. This is something that I've been dealing with from probably middle school at least, definitely high school where it's like not trying my best and putting all this effort in to like be successful or just like do well in life or in school is unfathomable.
It's unfathomable to me because it feels like a waste if I don't try my best, or if I don't, like, put all these hours into my schoolwork and stuff like that. Because, I don't know, like, it just feels like there's no other option than to try my best. But, the problem with that is, I've been working so hard, trying my best, giving it my all for so many years now.
To the point where I just feel tired. Where I just want to rest. I just want to lay down. I just want to sleep. I want to read. I want to watch kdramas. I want to rot in my room a little bit. I just am tired. I'm tired of working hard, and it's so frustrating.
It's so disheartening when you realize— like if you go back and listen to my other podcast episodes you can hear me saying like I just got to make it to graduation, I just got to graduation. But then you make it to graduation because you worked hard all through college... Well you worked hard all through high school first of all, to get into a good college and when you get to the good college you have to work hard all through college to get a good grades and then you have to work hard when you're applying to jobs to get the job you want, and then when you get the job you want, you have to work hard to prove yourself, and it's like, when can I stop working hard?
And it's not even as much about when can I stop working hard, it's like, when can I take a break? When can I rest? And when can I rest without feeling guilty that I'm not working hard enough? I think that is really the crux of it. And lately I feel like I'm not working hard enough, like I truly do feel like, like I'm not.
I'm not working as hard as I could be working, and I'm not as disciplined as I was last year. And it's been kind of stressing me out, because it feels like, because I am not working hard enough, my chances of failure are so much higher. And, in reality, am I really not working hard? I feel like I kind of am.
I'm busy all the time, I'm working hard, but I'm just so tired that sometimes... I have to rest, like sometimes I have to lay down, and it feels like, you're probably thinking like resting is normal, everybody needs to rest to be able to work hard, but my resting is not like— cause I used to rest too, back when I was doing all that stuff last year, but it was like— I don't know, something about it felt more structured.
Like, okay, I'm going to watch one episode of a Kdrama, and then I'm going to work for three hours. Now it's more like, okay, I'm going to watch an episode of a K drama, and then I'm going to try to work after, and then it's three episodes later, and I haven't done any work. I'm tired and I go to sleep, and I haven't done any work.
So, it just feels like... I miss my old work ethic. I miss that old version of myself. And, sometimes it feels like also, it's just like, I just keep experiencing one road block after the next. Like, for example, I'll get sick, and I'll be like, oh I'm too sick, I can't. I'm so tired. I'm recovering.
And then I recover. And then I get my period. And then I'm so tired from my period. I need to recover. And then I work hard and I get burnt out from working like super hard to make up for those two weeks or whatever time when I couldn't work because I was so tired and sick or whatever. And then I get burnt out because I worked too hard to compensate for the times when I couldn't work as hard and then I'm tired again.
And it's just like a never ending cycle and I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense but it's so true.
So, me being tired, it's just, it makes that question that I keep asking myself, what if I fail, what if I fail, feel that much louder, because me needing to take these times of rest makes me feel like that what if I fail turns into when will I fail.
You know what I'm saying? Like that question transforms into something so much more bleak that kind of consumes my thoughts. But, as I've, I think I've mentioned in previous episodes recently, have been listening to Neil Gaiman's MasterClass videos, and he has so much, like, wisdom, so much things to say that I'm like, wow, you're truly a scholar.
I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense, I'm kind of sick, a little delirious. Anyway. So, he says this thing that made me feel... better about myself and failure in general. And he says, the process of living, the process of trying to create, the process of getting out there and doing something is always a process in which you are going to screw up.
You are going to break things. You are going to try things that do not work. And he was telling us this, or telling the people watching his masterclass video this, because, um, when you're a writer, sometimes you write something, you expect it to be as brilliant and as amazing as the idea was in your head, and then when you write it down and you get the, like, you read the manuscript and you're like, oh my god, this is complete utter shit.
Like, this is horrible, I'm, like, so untalented, this is crazy. And he was, I guess, basically trying to say that. That the process of writing, the process of living in general is the process of messing up and figuring out how, where to go from those mess ups.
That's why I wanted to end this episode, this short episode on that quote because instead of living life with the question, what if I fail and when will I fail circling around my thoughts, I'm trying to live life with the mindset like, what can I take from this failure? You know, like, what can I do from this point on? Where can I go from this failure? What did I learn? And that's not something that happens naturally for me yet. You don't get your failure, your rejection, and be like, Oh, what can I take from this?
Like, no. You get your failure, you get your rejection, and you cry. I have a playlist called, taking the L. And then, you recover, you put yourself back together, and then you think to yourself, What can I take from this failure? Once the failure, once the rejection doesn't sting as much. I'm not saying that like, you know, as soon as you get the failure, bounce back.
Like, no. Process those emotions. And then revisit it when the emotions don't feel as raw, as intense. Because that's when you make the best plans of what you're going to do now. Anyway, this week's episode was kind of short because I'm not feeling too great. But, as always, make sure to follow the podcast on Instagram, @jumblepodcast.
Thank you guys for 400 followers on instagram, that is absolutely bonkers.
Also make sure to follow the podcast or subscribe on YouTube and TikTok at the same handles @jumblepodcast and— Wow, that was so rude, did you hear my dog is like out there barking...
Anyway, I hope you guys are enjoying your week It's officially fall and I am counting down the days until I can go outside wearing a hoodie every single day, I literally cannot wait.