June 11, 2024
episode description
I got my heartbroken and I don't know what to do about it. But I'm figuring it out I think, very clumsily, but forward progress is better than no progress at all.
here's a song for all the people heartbroken with me :')
transcript
How is everyone? Sorry I went a little bit MIA, This episode will tell you why.
Lately life has been insane. And honestly I haven't recorded one of these like personal episodes— I've been more focused on the book reviews. So I feel a little bit nervous and I feel a little bit uncomfortable in front of the mic. I feel like I did when I first started the podcast and I would start talking about myself and my life and I was like, oh my god, this is so embarrassing. And then after a while, I would do more and more personal episodes and I would feel like, oh like this is no big deal I'm just talking to my friend. It's just me and the mic like really like no one's really listening.
People are listening though. I do see the stats and that's kind of spooky. But anyway, we will prevail.
Anyway, so, the reason that I have been MIA is because I was very distracted by a man that I liked, romantically, for the past two months. And he really did have me wrapped around his finger. I didn't realize that until maybe two weeks ago, and that realization, honestly, if we're being really honest, it horrified me. It freaked me out. I didn't like it.
And then I thought, well maybe this person is the person that will be worth me getting comfortable with this feeling— or trying to get comfortable with this feeling, and breaching those barriers, those insecurities that I described in my vulnerability episode.
Where I am just terrified to give people pieces of myself and I feel like once they have those pieces, I want it back. You know what I mean? I feel like when I tell someone something about myself, like if I tell someone oh, my hands shake when I have anxiety that they'll always be looking for my hands to shake to know when I have anxiety and use that against me, which is something I probably need to go to therapy for. Regardless, I don't have time or money for therapy right now, which is why I have this podcast.
So I've been lost in a man. And also, I don't even know if I've mentioned this, I don't think I have— but I got into a master's program, which I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so excited about, given the tumultuous journey that I had to get to this point.
It feels amazing to know— to have even the vaguest idea of where my life will be going, at least for the next two years, after so much uncertainty and fear and self doubt and negative self thoughts. It feels good. It feels like yes, I prevailed I believed in myself and I, in the end, am living a life that makes me excited to wake up every morning.
Maybe it hasn't been like that recently because as we are getting into the topic of the episode now after my three minute monologue, I am currently so, so very heartbroken.
I let that man break my heart. I did. I let that man break my heart and I have been processing it. It's only been maybe four days since I let that man break my heart. And I've been processing it. I cried. I did. I sobbed. Many hours. I lost sleep. I was angry. I was relieved that was over.
And I had to do my thing. I had to cry. I had to be angry. I had to be so, so, so sad. I had to write in my diary. I read all the entries that I've written about him or just about our relationship and it just gave me so much clarity.
I was like, wow. I really have been trying my best this whole time and if he can't see that, that really is his loss. If he, if he can't see that I was really giving it my all, then he's a piece of shit. Anyway, regardless, I'm getting a little riled up again. I'm trying to be back in my peaceful era, not my angry at men era.
I don't want to come out of this heartbreak angry at all men. I want to come out of it like, wow, what a great experience. I learned and I loved and I lost. And I have more of an understanding of what it means to be human— like that, that's the goal. Anyway, I'm getting off track. So in this episode, I wanted to talk about my feelings as I'm going through this heartbreak because this is part of me processing it all.
So, the first thing I wanted to talk about is immediately after the heartbreak, after the sadness kind of dulled— dimmed, I'm still kind of sad, obviously it's only been four days. The first thing that I felt, first thing that I mourned really was grieving was all of the happy moments that we had together.
And all the times that I felt so happy and free and it was just so cathartic and I kind of missed the hope that I had for our future, not even like our future like, oh my god, we're getting married and we're gonna have babies, we're gonna start a family, like not that type of future, just like, oh, when you get this part of your grad school application processing stuff done, we're gonna go celebrate, we're gonna go eat cake.
Or he would say, oh this really cool place that I found, we should go hang out over there and then in the summer. Or when it's your birthday, we should do this. Or, I can't wait to see you so that we can do this. You know what I mean? Like that type of future. The short term future where I was just excited to spend time with him.
I feel like when people say your future, you're thinking about the big picture, but really your future can also be the small picture. And that's what I had hope for. That small picture, hope for the possibility of spending time together, learning about each other, having inside jokes, like becoming our norm.
And I mourn that potential, I think I grieved what could have been. Especially as someone who loves to fantasize, who reads romance books, and watches romance movies, and Korean romance dramas non stop, I mourned the opportunity to live out all the things that I had seen and watched in all these media forms throughout my entire life.
And honestly, I feel like it kinda pissed me off even more because what I'm mourning is the fact that it was taken from me, that it ended right before it got to the good part. You know, right before it got to the, the really, really fun, you know, happy, happy montage of the romance that happens in the books and the movies. Like, I didn't even get to that part. I was just starting and then it was like, Ah, it's over. Ah, you thought. Try again next time or maybe there never will be a next time which we'll unpack that later.
But I was like, but Sidney, do you even really want him back? Like, okay, you're heartbroken right now and you're saying I never want to see him again and I never want to talk to him again and I hate him, but deep down you're kind of like, oh, but I hope he comes back. Like I hope we are a thing again or whatever. But then I really really had to ask myself, do I even want him back?
Because I know that, right now, I miss how I felt when things were good. But I also have to recognize that this man was apologizing to me every other week, without fail. One week it would be good, then the next week there's something that happened that he has to say he's sorry for, right? And I'm looking out the window of my room, wondering what he's thinking, pondering what this means.
Ugh, you know what I mean? Just like, ugh. And I don't want my summer before I start my master's program to be filled with weeks where I am staring out my window pondering and thinking about things and feeling uncertain and insecure and anxious. If every other week is good and every other week is bad and it's like that for the whole summer before my master's program, that would mean that a month and a half of my summer is filled with anxiety and uncertainty and just melancholy. In my head I was like well maybe that one and a half months of melancholy would be worth the one and a half months of joy and fun And you know, yay romance, but I don't think it is now that I'm not in it.
I don't know if it ever will be for me at least for this particular man that I'm talking about But then I also wonder if part of me wanting him back— you know, hypothetically speaking, I don't actually want him back, but maybe I do, but I don't. Anyway, part of the reason I think that I even want him back is because I have this fear that no one will ever truly like me or ever truly see me in the way that he did.
That no one will ever see me for who I am and like me for who I am the way that he did. Which I know people are listening to this right now and they're like, oh my god, you will and there's other fish in the sea. You will find someone else. But it doesn't feel like that right now and it just feels like oh my god, I messed up like what can I do to fix this?
It just feels like I need to fix it. How can we fix it? But I can't do that because he's not willing to work with me to fix it at the moment and I have to come to terms with that. Which we are on the path of coming to terms with that, we are. It's just this underlying thought, this underlying worry of will I ever be able to find what we had again? Will I ever be able to find that chemistry, that effortless kind where two people, two humans are connecting on that level?
Because even though we were a thing romantically, we were friends before all of that. And it just feels like for me, it's so hard to make friends. So I was really just happy to have him as my friend. I was very content with just that.
But then to have a relationship built off of this friendship that I valued felt so rare. And like something that I should covet. And I did. And I tried to fight for it and talk things out and all those things. Maybe I didn't always say the right things when trying to talk things out, but, who does?
Like, nobody does. Nobody says the right things all the time. Like, you go to therapy and you're like, well, maybe you should approach it like this, or you should approach it like this. But I'm not a robot. At the end of the day, I'm gonna say things that maybe I shouldn't say, but I feel like what really matters is if you come back and you try to fix it, you try to talk about it, or you try to explain what you were trying to get across.
Part of this heartbreak that is so hard for me is the fact that I miss my friend. I miss my friend really bad. I miss my friend. And it feels like I lost my man and my friend at the same time. And half of me wishes like, if he was never my man and he was still just my friend, I could talk to him about this, this exact problem, and he would know what to say that makes me feel better.
But I cannot because he is the problem. Like I cannot talk to my friend about the problem because he is the problem. And it's so sick and twisted to me because he convinced me that I could trust him enough to incorporate him into my daily life. So now that he's— that we're done, that he's gone, I am now forced to grieve the loss of having him in my daily life.
Because I didn't have to let him in my daily life. Matter of fact, I didn't want to because I was scared. I was nervous I was like, oh no he's texting me every day. Because I think I knew that getting used to that would be dangerous, because when it stops, I'm gonna be sad about it. And I'm not gonna be sure if I have a right to be sad about it or not. Which is exactly what happened. He did that, he texted me every day, and then one day he stopped, and I felt the absence of it. And I felt insane and needy and clingy, and it really is not my fault for feeling that way. It really is his, because he got me used to something and then took it away from me, and it left me feeling confused.
But now I'm healing, as one does, or tries to do anyway. I'm taking a step back, and I'm recognizing that I tried my best. I really did. I really did try my best. I gave it my all. I left him literally like an eight minute voice message. Kind of like these podcasts where I'm just really just yapping. I'm really just talking.
But anyway, I left him that voice message, and I hadn't listened to it since I sent it to him until about 30 minutes ago I listened to it. And bro, that shit was so poetic and heartfelt and vulnerable and so authentic that if he can't appreciate that, he really doesn't deserve my presence in his life and it's better for the heartbreak to just end like this.
Because that voice message was really so, it was cute, and it was sweet, and it was, ugh. I was proud of myself. It's kinda like where I have this tradition where I go back in my diary, and cause I have a diary, and when I write a new entry, I go back to a year ago today, or as close as possible cause I don't write every day, to see how far I've come. And I always feel so sad for my past self. My heart aches for the things that I went through because obviously I went through it and I know how hard it is. And I always feel so proud of myself. I always am talking about worries or problems or things that I'm working on and to now be on the other side of them is so gratifying and I'm so proud of myself.
And it also reminds me that what I'm going through right now— One day, a year from now, I'll be reading that same entry that I just wrote today, and I'll be so proud of myself for how far I've come, and giving it my all, and trying my best, whatever that is, right now, at this moment.
I'm going insane. This man has made my brain rot. Anyway, I think the big takeaway, for me right now is to never be ashamed for showing someone affection and giving it your all. I'm saying that to you right now, but I'm cringing at myself.
I'm like, oh my god I shouldn't have sent that voice message or oh my god, I shouldn't have I shouldn't have confronted the problem or oh my god I'm so pathetic and desperate but I'm telling you not to be ashamed at the same time. I'm embarrassed by myself and I'm wondering if he's like, look at this girl she's so desperate blah blah blah and showing it to his friends or whatever. But I do mean it and I believe it, just right now the wounds a little fresh, a little raw so it's kind of hard for me to live what I'm preaching, but one day I will get there.
Hopefully soon because my birthday is in two days, which like what the fuck? Me going through this right before my birthday is evil. He's a sick, evil, twisted man. I'm gonna kill him maybe. I didn't mean that. That's a joke for legal reasons. That was a joke. I will not be committing any type of murder.
It's just a joke. It's an, uh, what is it called? An exaggeration. A hyperbole. Anyway, I feel like I'm digging myself into a deeper hole.
I found these inspirational quote thingies on TikTok. I don't even know the source origin. It's just, it's one of those things that you read, that re centers you in life and just puts your situation in perspective that I wanted to read to end this episode, because it's about healing. It's about how I feel as I'm healing right now. So the first one is about loss.
Not everything you lose is a loss. Some things are freedom. Some things are a second chance. Some things are a miracle in disguise. Some things are detachment long needed, a clarity brought to blurry eyes. Some things are an intervention. Some things are the unexpected answer to a long chanted prayer. Some things are healing. Some things are becoming. Some things are planned long before you ever came to be. Some things are a devastation, but others are a kind of vital guidance, the kind of course correction you did not even know you needed, the kind you did not even realize you were asking for all along.
So while I'm ruminating in this loss, this grief of heartbreak, I'm trying to remind myself that some things are just part of your character development. Some things are just a lesson. And even if the lesson sucks, eventually, when you get out of this lesson, you'll realize how much you needed it and how much you're grateful for that lesson.
And the second one, the second one is about the man, realizing that I am not insane and that what happened was devastating and that I was not desperate, not pathetic. I just got used to someone's affection and was confused and anxious when they took it away.
If someone wants to make an effort, they will. They will carve out time, no matter how chaotic their schedule. They will make you feel seen and valued in ways that are both grand and subtle. They will show up, not just when it's easy, but when it's difficult and inconvenient. They will listen deeply, not just to respond, but to understand. They will remember the details that matter to you, the little things that make your heart flutter. They will be there in your darkest moments, steadfast and unwavering. They will express their love through actions, making you feel cherished beyond words. If someone truly wants to be in your life, you will never feel like you have to fight for a place in their heart.
I think that's the crux of it. He was making me feel like I had to fight for a place in his heart after asking for a place in mine. And that's just cruel and twisted and evil and he might be sick and demented in the head because why would you do that? That's so rude. And I recognize that and I'm dealing with it and I'm processing it. And one day I will not think about him, but that day is not today, and it's not yesterday, and it probably won't be tomorrow, and it probably not won't even be on my birthday.
I probably will think about him on my birthday, which pisses me off, but it's okay. That's life, right? One of my friends when I was talking to her about it, she was like, you can't control the timing of things, that's just how life is. And I was like, yeah, you're right. I can't control the timing of things.
Anyway, thanks for listening guys to my rant. I am going to put more time towards the podcast now, because obviously men are the worst, and I will not be neglecting you guys for men anymore. I learned my lesson. I'm sorry, this is my apology. I'm groveling right now. Please, please don't be angry.
Anyway, I hope your summer is off to a great start. I know mine has certainly been off to an interesting one. But, this is what I wanted to say at the end of the episode. I read this line in my diary, I was like, wow, why is my diary so poetic? It was like, I want to live every day as if I've never lived before, or maybe what I really want is to live every day as if I'll never live again.
So as you're listening to the end of this episode, think about what you would do, how you would act, what would you do today if you would never live again, if tomorrow wasn't guaranteed for you. And I feel like when I think about it that way, I would totally, totally send that crazy 8 minute long voice message again.
I would wear my heart on my sleeve, express myself, do all those things I did. I would do it 10 million times over. So if you think back to all the things that you've done, or something that's bothering you, and you ask yourself, Would I do this if I would never live again? If today was my last day on earth, would I still do this?
And if the answer is yes, then really you have nothing to worry about. There's nothing wrong with what you did, and you stayed true to yourself. Because if the answer is yes, that means that you stayed true to yourself.
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