March 12, 2024
episode description
I got rejected and it sucks. It doesn't suck as much as I thought it would, but regardless, it still sucks.
link to gradcafe: https://www.thegradcafe.com/
transcript
It's raining today, which matches my mood pretty well. I have gotten rejected from my dream school, which is not something that I've said out loud until now, and the gravity of, you know, verbalizing those words is bittersweet, I guess.
It's rough. I often find myself walking my dog and tears just streaming down my face and feeling foolish for ever believing that I could have maybe succeeded.
I don't want this to be like a depressing episode, for you to be like, Oh my God, like this is so depressing. I don't want to listen to this. And I feel like maybe it will be. And that's kind of okay. I don't really do this podcast to be motivational or anything like that. I just really do this podcast to tell the truth, unfiltered.
I feel like I don't do that enough in my life. I feel like most of the time I'm telling a partial truth, not to be deceitful, but just because maybe I'm not ready to deal with the ramifications of that unfiltered truth, but I feel like on the podcast I can. So that's what I do. And I hope that me sharing my truth helps people come to terms with their own truths.
Anyway, back to me being rejected. I technically have not actually gotten rejected yet, but I know it's only a matter of time and not in a Debbie Downer way. More of a like the way the timeline goes, people usually get accepted into the program that I wanted to get accepted into about two weeks ago.
All of the acceptances historically go out around that time. And this week was the week of the waitlist. So the likelihood of me being rejected is very high. I am just so sick and tired of the uncertainty and stress that the hope of being accepted was giving me.
And I feel like you can go listen to the episode I recorded not too long ago titled, A Rant About My Future. And honestly, like I predicted, I feel a little bit embarrassed because I really honestly truly believed that I was going to get in because I had been getting all these signs where it just felt like I was going to get in.
There was a point where I just knew and I trusted that I would get in. That this program was meant for me. Like, you know, the little signs where you see a ladybug and you see a coin with the heads up leading up to the that week where people were gonna get acceptances. Those were all the signs that I was getting so I was like, oh my god, like I'm probably gonna get in that's what these signs are telling me.
I'll trust and believe in these signs— which honestly I feel kind of like a clown, just a little bit for believing it. Part of me though, misses that version of myself, you know, where anything was possible. You know, in January, in the beginning of February, anything was possible. And now that I know that I have been, most likely, like 95 percent sure, rejected, it's sad.
I mean, it's relieving, but it's sad. I've been watching Bridgerton. The past couple of weeks. And this one quote from it stuck out to me. Where she says:
If I know for sure, it will be a relief. It is the not knowing that makes it feel like torment.
Yeah, that's really what it was. It was really, it was the worst form of torment I've ever felt in my life. Which granted, it feels kind of dramatic to say that about a grad school program. But it's true, I just felt like every day was so perilous. Every day was a day that could change my life forever.
Every day could have been the day that I just broke down in tears. And it was really like a real cruel version of hell to be honest. But then once I learned of people getting accepted and the week was over, and then I learned people getting waitlisted and the next week was over, it went from torment to despair. It went from me just being stressed all the time and laughing and smiling when I'm supposed to, to holding back tears.
I remember the day that I found out people had gotten accepted. There was still some hope because it was Monday, and I was like, well, maybe they'll take all week to notify people who got accepted. But Friday evening, I remember just looking at myself in the mirror and crying. I just felt so distraught, if I'm being honest.
And part of me wished I had done whatever it took to get in. Like, I had written whatever personal statement, whatever writing sample I needed to write to convince them that I was worth accepting. And, there is something to say about that, about needing to pass the threshold of the standards of generations of people have been accepted or picked.
When I say this, I mean like the people who get into the program have been accepted by the generation before them that have been accepted, and so on. And of course there are changes, diversity, allowing women to be in the program, da da da da da.
But those people will always meet the standard of someone who's already been chosen as great or identified, singled out as being great by someone who is already a part of this lineage, if that makes sense. And, even though part of me wishes that I had done whatever it took, written whatever it took to get into the program, into this dream program of mine, I don't regret my application.
And I don't think I would change anything about it either because I was just so unapologetically myself in that application. I wrote what I thought to be the truest representation of me in this current moment.
I was so distraught at the news that I had probably been rejected. I remember when I read it. It was like my heart just stopped. I just felt gutted to the point where, when I was crying, I didn't even really recognize the sounds that were coming out of my body.
And I'm not telling you this to be sad for me, to be like, aww, that's not what I'm doing. I'm just really, I think, being transparent. And I think this, the sadness that I was dealing with was really just grieving the life that I could have had. The life that felt like the perfect fit for me.
I had really fantasized and fell in love with what my life could have been if I had gotten into the program. And it was, I think, the process of letting go of this fantasy, realizing that this fantasy would not be my reality this upcoming fall. That was the hardest part about getting rejected from my dream school.
And I feel like any high school senior, or really anyone applying to college or any program that's gotten rejected, knows what it feels like to think that your world has been shattered. That a school, a program not wanting you has shattered your world, your resolve, all of those things. And really, you know, as someone who had a role in the selection process for certain things in school, it has nothing to do with you not being wanted.
It's more about your ability to stand out from the rest. So it's not that you're lacking or that you're unwanted. It's more about your ability to stand out from the crowd. And these words aren't really comforting. Obviously, they're not even comforting for me, who's been rejected, but it does kind of take this sting away and I feel like we need to be more kind to ourselves in the way that we think about rejection.
It's not a fact of not being wanted, really. It's more, not right now. Maybe next year or the year after or ten years from now is the year for you because maybe the people that will be in that program in that year will be the ones that you need to take you to that next level. Maybe the people that are in the program this year are not the ones for you.
But anyway, during this process, I found myself on Grad Cafe a lot, which is a website that posts admissions for graduate school programs, all kinds of programs, all kinds of schools. And then they also, there's a forum and I spent a lot of time on this website because first of all, it gave you an update on if there was any acceptances or waitlists or rejections going out. Because then you would know that your fate was going to be coming to you soon too. But also because there were a lot of kind words and good energy and community that I don't know I would have found anywhere else. A group of people who know exactly what I'm going through because they're going through it too.
To celebrate people's acceptances in spite of their own rejections and to comfort those who've been rejected. And just talk about what it is to be a writer and what it is to be making art where your whole soul is on the page. To risk rejection anyway, to ask for judgment and critique anyway.
And I think that's why in my book reviews, I'm so careful and cautious of how I talk about literature because I know as a writer that so much of yourself is in it, and that's not to say that you can't say, oh, I don't like this book, like, duh, if you don't like the book, say you don't like the book, that's really the whole point of any book.
The point of books is to create discourse, right? Or to spark conversation. But I just know how much of yourself you put on the page when you're writing. This is not to say that I'm not going to tell you if a book is bad. I will definitely tell you if a book is bad or if I didn't like it, but I also know how much goes into making that book.
That book— that story that we read in six hours, seven hours, eight hours, sometimes even two hours, took months, even years and decades of personal growth, of living life, of writing, of feeling like giving up as a writer. I just feel like I'm so hyperaware of that when I'm doing book reviews.
So the reason I brought up this forum is because there were so many kind words that really kept me sane during that waiting period during that hellish purgatory that I was in. I want to read some to you guys, but know that none of these are my words. These are other people's words from the forums, but they're sentiments worth carrying no matter where you are in life and what you're doing in life, and I honestly feel so proud and excited to read the stories of the next generations of writers if this is what is in store for us because it's truly just a group of individuals who want to capture the world as they see it and what it means to be human, which I think the whole point of being a writer is capturing what it means to be human.
Anyway, this is what they say. I'm just gonna read them. They're separate messages, but I'm just gonna read them like they're one big message.
I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get in anywhere, but I've never considered giving up. I'd tell you the same, but somehow I don't think I need to.
Keep on going. Keep on making art. The world is full of a lot of things happening at the same time. Write it all down. Keep going, keep trying, you don't need the world to tell you you're amazing to do what you want to do. You're amazing because you're showing up for yourself and doing the work.
This is nothing, it's everything too, but it's only one everything in a lifetime of everythings.
I've heard a bit about privilege here, the idea that there's some unearned advantage or ability that makes unfair one process or another, or perhaps more importantly gives one some advantage in coping in a process so inherently unfair it can be difficult to see the privileges one has themselves. If you are young and hanging your future on acceptance, you can absorb this loss. The race is long. If you are miserable where you are and think this change will cure it, you may be right, but there's more change than this. You took the risk here, you can and will take others. Why wait to be forced? If you are in need of validation, remember this is rejection season, not just for us, but for the programs. It's why God created waitlists. Iowa's worth is not determined by the number of applicants or who applies or who turns down their offer. Their worth is determined by whatever students attend, while they attend. To repeat, we find ourselves engaged and embroiled in a process unfair by any measure. There are too many variables for chance not to have an outsized role.
It took me far too long to realize that change doesn't come without risk, but even longer to realize that what makes my life exceptional has nothing to do with my colleague, whose high profile accomplishments came early, though I truly loath how much I envied him for the longest time. The realization finally set in a couple of years ago when I accepted that I simply couldn't have reproduced what or how he got where he is. My life has been characterized by a monumental series of improbable complications and unexpected barriers, but I wouldn't be halfway proud of where I've come to in life if I hadn't swallowed a great deal of self doubt and just took on what seemed to be the hardest path in the world. I have also realized that I'm not that fond of my colleague's writing or his work, and that most people we both associate with aren't fond of him at all. So, success comes in different forms. Ultimately, I suppose my point is that, in making the effort, risking rejection, etc., you're building towards a kind of change that will alter how you see your own life and likely contribute to how you gauge your own accomplishments.
I hope these words were comforting to you if you're in a position similar to mine, or even if you're not, even if you're just living life, because I feel like life is just full of moments like these, right? Where you feel like you're lost, and you don't know where you're going, you don't know how to pick yourself up from this moment. But you know that you have no choice but to pick yourself up, because no matter what you do, you will keep waking up the next morning, and a new day will be ready for you to live it.
But these words have made me feel a lot better in my own rejection. A lot better in thinking about why I even applied to grad school.
Was it for validation? Was it for a change? Did it just feel like the solution to all of my problems? Probably all of those things. Also, that I really just wanted to write. Like, at the end of the day, I know that I applied to the programs because I wanted to write and to become a better writer.
And I think by applying and even getting rejected, that is one of my steps in becoming a better writer. But as I said, now I'm left with the question of what do I do now? I still have some programs I'm waiting on to hear from, but I kind of feel okay. If I get rejected from all of them, I think I will be okay.
And I think for a long time, I wasn't sure if I would be okay if I didn't get in, if I didn't have enough money to go. I felt like my world would end, like the world would be over. But now, I didn't really react the way I thought I would. I was sad and then I got over it quicker than I thought I would.
It maybe took me two days. And when I say I got over it, I didn't really get over it. I'm not fully over it. But to be honest, I expected to be wallowing on the floor for the next month. The whole month of March. But I'm not. I'm here and I'm recording this episode, and I've laughed a lot more in the past couple of days than I thought I ever would if I had been faced with this scenario.
Instead, I feel this innate desire to make these programs sick with regret. I feel the need to turn this moment in my life into part of the story that will show them that I will succeed in spite of it all. In spite of being rejected, in spite of not getting the MFA from the fancy school, I will succeed.
Regardless, I think now, my goal as far as writing goes is to find a Black writing group. I think what I need now, what I haven't had, what I was searching for with an MFA— maybe I was a fool to search for that through an MFA because we all know the demographics of what the MFAs are like, was input from people of color especially if my goal is to write Black stories I need to know what Black people think of my Black stories.
Anyway, I got rejected. Life sucked for a little bit and now it doesn't suck as much and all I can do now is pick myself up and keep going, so that's what I'll do.
I hope this episode wasn't too terribly, terribly depressing, and also, sorry if I'm speaking weird, like I said at the beginning of the episode, I've been watching Bridgerton, so I feel this instinct to be like, I shall, and I shan't!
You know what I mean? Why am I talking like that? I don't know, I'm losing my mind. Anyway. Make sure to follow the podcast on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok @jumbledpodcast. Also, make sure to check out the website at bit.ly/jumbledpod. Thank you for listening, and I cannot wait to see where life takes me next.
Kommentare