May 7, 2023
episode description
oh my god, I'm graduating college and I'm not following any of the plans that I laid out for myself when I was 17 years old. Suddenly I don't know the difference between what I actually want for my life and what I think I should want my life to be like and I'm literally having an existential crisis every 2 hours. The future is scary and exciting and I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm trying to go but god I hope that I get there in one piece.
transcript
Today I was writing thank you notes to my students cause next week is my last day at the elementary school which is so crazy to me. It's so crazy to me because when I was in the thick of it, in the middle of the semester, it felt like it was never going to end. And I felt like it was never gonna end in like a bad way.
Not in like a "oh, I hope this day never ends" type of way. Like a "I'm in purgatory" kind of way. But here we are at the end and I don't know why, but I feel sad that it's about to end. If you've listened to like the episodes I released earlier in the year, you're probably like "oh my God. She's sick in the head."
Like what is wrong with her? Something must be wrong with her mentally because why on earth would she be sad about something that made her so sad. So melancholy all the time?
And I do not have the answer for you. But I do know that while I was writing those cards to my students, I was literally bawling like a little baby.
Like I had to like wipe tears from my eyes. I couldn't believe all these tears were just like flowing outta my eyes. I don't know. I'm ridiculous. I'm a ridiculous person, and I think I'm just coming to terms with that at this point, honestly, because I should be jumping for joy. Like I should be literally elated.
I should be like losing my mind from how happy I am that this has come to an end. That this thing that I was waiting and waiting and waiting for to end has finally ended. But I'm not, I'm sad and I am dreading my last say at the school. I'm dreading it. Who would've thought?
I'm dealing with my decision to not become a teacher still. Crazy, right? I'm dealing with it because I officially declined the offer of employment that I got from the county that I'm interning in maybe a month ago now, at least a couple weeks ago, but maybe it might be a month at this point.
And it was really difficult. It was so difficult. I remember when they first sent me the letter of employment and all I could feel was dread. And then I was like, well, I'll just deal with that another day. I can't even deal with that right now. I'll deal with it another day.
And then they sent an email every single morning, like they just kept sending a new email, like sign the contract, sign the contract.
And I was like, ah! It freaked me out. Like they just kept sending me emails until I got the nerve to decline it. And it was pretty rough because— I feel like I can tell you guys this, because they offered me about $60,000 in my yearly salary. It's a little bit under, but about that and that was really difficult for me to turn down.
Cause first of all I was like, I thought elementary teachers didn't get paid much. Like, what is going on? What is this big number? This big number that is more than I would make in publishing or anywhere else, literally.
And I struggled with it for so long because of the finality of declining the offer that I was really, really, really about to be on my own in a world where I need to make money and I'm declining money being offered to me.
And I was just so worried about like, am I making the wrong decision? Like, am I stupid? But I mean, I did it. And once I declined it, I felt so relieved. So, so, so relieved. And I was happier and I was excited for what life had in store for me.
But, that was a couple weeks ago, and now I feel like— now that it's time to graduate, now that I gotta put my big girl shoes on I feel nervous. Like I don't know what I'm doing. Like I didn't know what I was doing when I declined it, like I was an idiot for declining it. That's how I feel sometimes.
I'm not sure if I made the right decision, I feel like in my gut that I did, but it's hard. Especially when you're about to graduate, and the number one thing people always wanna ask you is "what are your plans for the next year?" And when you don't know the answer to that question, it is just so difficult.
It's really difficult. It's like, I don't know what to do with myself and I'm hoping that I get accepted into some of the things that I apply for, but honestly you can't count on any of those things cause you never know how it's gonna turn out.
And it feels like, it kind of hurts my ego to admit that I don't know what I'm gonna be doing in the next year. I don't know, it does something to my ego because I find myself not wanting to admit that I don't know what I'm doing.
Because I feel like, for so much of my life, my entire personality or the perception that other people have of me is that I know what I'm doing.
You know, I don't know how else to explain that, but it just, I feel like I've been presenting like this personality, this facade that I have everything under control when it was never true, but now it's like blatantly not true.
Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe nobody cares. Maybe everyone is like, "good for her doing what she loves or, you know, chasing what she loves."
But I can't like silence those voices in my head telling me that I'm making the wrong decision. I'm trying to be true to myself and I'm trying to live in the moment and live every day to the fullest now that the internship is coming to an end, but it's harder than you think because there's real life things to worry about.
Like, I need a job. Where am I gonna work? Where am I gonna live? What am I gonna do with my dog? If I move, I gotta find somewhere I can take my dog with me. What am I doing with my life? What if I don't— what if I'm not a good writer? What if I fail? What if, what if? What if? What if? All those things. All those things just circle around and around and around in my head, and it's like I kind of wanna skip this phase, whatever this phase is, and just go straight to the part where I know what's going on. You know, straight to the part where I've written the book or straight to the part where I've got the job. Where I'm living in the city that I wanna live in. Like I just, I just wanna be there. And I know that's not right and I know that if I look back, like to this moment, I'll wish I had savored the current moment that I'm in.
But it's really hard. And I know the whole mentality of like, you know, why are you rushing, like for the next, next, next thing, you're just like rushing to die basically. Cause wanting to speed through time is just speeding towards the inevitable, which is death. That's kind of depressing, but it's true.
And I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying not to, but, It's really hard. It's really hard for me not to fixate on the question what will I be doing next year? What will next year look like for me? When, for so much of my life, I've known exactly what next year is gonna look like for me. So that's what I've been struggling with.
Someone told me something the other day that really stuck out to me. They said that "There is no destination in life. Life is just a journey." I mean, I might get that job, but then there's gonna be another set of problems waiting for me. And it's just like a bunch of different phases that you go through in life.
There is no final destination. There is no final goal in life. Let's say you achieve like all of your dreams, you still have life to live. Like there's still things to do. It's not like the end of the road for you. If anything that maybe that's the end of that path.
Maybe you're gonna go onto a new path, but it's not the end of the road for you.
Lately, I have been trying to be my complete authentic self. And this for me means a lot of things. So right now I'm wearing overalls and I love, love, love, love wearing overalls. Like I love it so much, but I don't really wear it that often because I look young. I look young and everyone is always like "That's so nice. Like you're gonna be so grateful for that when you're 30." Like, okay, but am I 30? No. So I'm feeling a little bitter.
And let me tell you what I mean when I say I look young. When I say I look young. I mean that when I went into a third grade classroom at the school that I'm interning in, I was just like hanging out in there and I was talking to a third graders and one of them was like, "What do you know? You're just an eighth grader."
Like an eight year old said that to me. An eight year old thought I was 13. Oh my God. I mean, it's fine. I'm kind of desensitized to it now cause it's like, that's just my life, but it is still a lot. So I do everything in my power not to look younger. And that includes not really wearing overalls that often, but I'm at the point where I kind of just wanna wear whatever makes me feel happy, regardless of how other people perceive me, which seems like, duh, that's what you should be doing anyway. Like living your life how you want. Not because of how you're worried other people might want you to live your life, but sometimes it's just a realization you have to come to yourself. Sometimes you know the answer, but you still have to take the journey to get there— to find that answer anyway.
Today's episode is kind of just me reflecting on life. I think it's gonna be a shorter episode. Because I'm already running out of things to say. Imagine that, me running out things to say? Unbelievable, who knew the day would come. But no, for real, honestly, I don't even talk that much in like the regular circumstances, like in real life.
I just like don't say anything if I don't feel like I have anything I need to add to the conversation. Like I just, if there's nothing that needs to be said, like I'm not gonna say anything. And I feel like a lot of people fear silence because they think—I don't know. They're afraid of silence, but I love silence.
Do you guys ever like notice those small things that people do that tell you what role you have in their life? Like the small things where you don't come to their mind? That kind of defines the limits of your role in their life? I'm thinking of a very specific example, but I'm not sure if I should like say it because if I say it, that person is like obviously gonna know it's them.
But I guess I can be as vague as possible. So I have this friend and we're like friends, like we hang out and stuff. We have a great time. But I never am invited to like the things where it's like clear that you're looking out for the person. I'm like always like the last thought.
If that makes sense. So like, for example, choosing roommates, like I would be chosen if there's extra space, but I'm not like the first pick or going on trips. Like the big choices, not the small ones. Like I would get invited to go bowling, but I wouldn't get invited to go to a wedding.
Anyway, with my time in this upcoming year, I want to paint, I want to spend more time outside. I wanna work on driving. I want to get better at driving. I think I've gotten much better since the beginning of the year, but I want to get even better. Like, I wanna drive on highways.
I want to get better at backing out of parking spaces. I want to try eyelash extensions and I wanna practice cooking more often, and I hope to get a job— kind of, I don't really want a job actually, but I need a job, so I hope to get a job and I hope that every day that I live in this upcoming year proves to me that I didn't make the wrong choice a couple weeks ago.
I just wanna look forward to every day. I wanna go to sleep looking forward to every day. I wanna wake up excited for the day, and that's something that I was missing in my internship, which is why I made the decision I did. But it still feels like for some reason, that I made the wrong decision.
And when I think about all the things I just said that I want to do with my time as an unemployed person— I love saying that. I love being unemployed. But anyway, I don't know why, but they're all like things that recenter me. All like small things I could like still do with a job, but things that I haven't been able to do these past six months.
I just wanna learn what it means to be like my real self. I wanna learn what makes me happy and how to live as an adult. I wanna learn that this year and I don't know how I'm gonna teach myself that, but maybe it's not something you teach yourself. Maybe it's just something you experience.
But I'm excited, I'm scared, I am pensive about what the future has in store for me. I hope there's great things on the horizon. I think there is. I trust myself and I trust that I am capable enough to make my life be what I want it to be. And I think that's really just what I'm chasing. I want to make the rules for my own life.
I want to form a life for myself that I would love. One that I thought might not even be possible. I wanna make that possible for myself and I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I'm gonna try my best to get there.
With that, I think I'm gonna end the episode there. Make sure to follow the podcast on Instagram at @jumblepodcast, and make sure to check out our website at bit.ly/jumblepod.
As always, I hope that tomorrow is better for you than today because if tomorrow's better for you than today, then you always have something to look forward to. And you know, tomorrow is a blank canvas. Make it what you want it to be, which is not always as easy as it sounds, but what can go wrong if you try?
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