driving

January 8, 2023

episode audio

episode description

I have a fear of driving. And honestly, it’s embarrassing and I feel kind of ashamed when I think about it. Given that driving is a necessary evil in my life, I’ve had to find my own coping mechanisms to get me to the place where I need to be. But of course, facing this fear doesn’t occur without a few speed bumps along the way.

transcript

 I need to confess something.

I didn't know how to get to my high school all four years that I went there. Like if you had told me like Hey, Sidney, how do you get to your high school? I honestly couldn't tell you. Even if it were a life or death situation and you said, you need to tell me how to get to your high school or you die right now.

I would just be dead. Cause I'm telling you, even though I only live like five minutes driving time away from my high school, I had no clue how to get there. This is mostly because when I rode in any type of vehicle, car, bus, whatever, I was not looking out the window. Okay, well I'm lying. I was looking out the window, but my brain was not absorbing any of the directions that we were going or the turns we were taking or the roads, like the names of the roads we were on.

I was just taking in the scenery, to be honest with you. And also, 90% of the time I was reading a book. So in the car rides, when I wasn't looking out the window, enjoying the scenery and all that, I was reading my book and not paying attention to where we were going, which is probably why.

I am so directionally challenged even today, like it takes me a long time to learn how to get to a place without a GPS.

I still am directionally challenged. I don't know where I'm going 95% of the time. Really, I only know how to get to a couple places without GPS, and this is because I have to go there for school or work or whatever.

I just memorized the routes. But if there's no reason for me to go there, I'm not gonna know how to get there. Saying all of that to say, that is just one of the reasons why I hate driving. I don't know how to get anywhere. So when my friends want me wanna hang out and they are like, who's gonna drive?

I'm anxious because I don't wanna drive because I get lost easily. GPS or not. I don't know where I'm going and when you don't know where you're going while you're driving, it makes you anxious or at least it makes me anxious. So that's reason number one on why I don't like driving.

But I think my aversion towards driving starts even earlier than that. First of all, I never even was like one of those kids that wanted a car or wanted to start driving to get independence or whatever, like, I was totally fine never driving, ever.

I didn't even really want my license. The only reason I got it was because my learner's permit was about to expire in like two weeks before my driver's test.

So it was really just like, I was being propelled by the due dates, by the system. I mean, I had gotten my learner's permit, which was, you know, easy peasy. Just a little test. I loved tests back then. Studying for anything was fun to me. So getting my learner's permit was no big deal. But when it came to actually getting into the car, I was like— actually this, I don't really, I don't really vibe with this.

You can keep this part of the driving. I was just going through the motions of what I thought I should be doing, but I definitely wasn't one of those 16 year olds where I was like, well, can I get a car for my birthday? Or like, I can't wait to start driving. And honestly, that did make me feel a little strange, like, why wasn't I excited about something that everyone else was excited about?

But I was kinda like, but why would I want to drive? Why would you want to drive when you could just sit and be driven by someone else?

ButI did go to driver's ed and after getting my learning's permit and all of that and the videos that they show you in driver's ed of like the cars crashing and like fatally injuring people and paralyzing them, like literally scared me shitless.

I literally thought that if I got into a car, like right after that was gonna happen to me, like if I drove that car. I took it very seriously. Honestly, those videos probably weren't even for people like me who were like already scared of driving. It was for people who were not scared of driving and drove recklessly, and those videos probably didn't even affect them.

But it affected me, like I was like, oh my God, like driving is not even worth it. I shouldn't even change lanes. Every time you change lanes, you're more likely to get into a car accident. I should just stay in the same lane forever. I was taking it so seriously.

But despite all of that, I kind of procrastinated like I said earlier, and took my driver's test like only a little bit before my learner's permit was gonna expire and I had taken it at a notoriously hard to pass MVA in my area. And it was just cause it was closest, I was like, well, I mean, it's the closest one, so I'm just gonna register for that one.

And I failed. I did fail the first driver's test. Now let me, let me say something though. The instructor or the person given the test, whatever they're called, was very intimidating. Like, well first of all, before we even get to the instructor, there was this woman who was like checking my little booklet or whatever and making sure I had all the right documents I needed, and she was mean.

Like immediately. I don't even remember what she said. I just remember her being like, mean and rude and making me sad. I don't know what she said to me, but it was mean and rude and I didn't appreciate that. And it was like there's no reason for her to be mean and rude cause I was the first appointment.

Nobody pissed her off before I got there. Why are you coming at me with this energy? If I see her again, man... Anyway, so I was already unsettled from that rude woman who was black by the way. And I was like, where's the black solidarity? Like, what is this? Why are you being mean to me?

And then I got to see the person that's gonna be like giving me the test or whatever and he's also mean. He's like a skinny black man who's like mean too. When I think back on it, like when I reflect on the test, he wasn't actually that mean. He was just a little bit like crotchety, is the word that I would use. He was not the most pleasant person, but he wasn't, I don't think at least being intentionally mean to me.

So, I aced the two point turn part because literally that's all I had practiced. Um, like I practiced that the most while preparing for the test. So I aced that, no problem, no sweat. And I was like, oh, cool. I'm gonna pass the whole test after. Because that location, the MVA was the most challenging to pass because the two-point turn spots were like narrower.

They're not at other locations for some reason, which made it harder. So I was like, oh, cool, I'm gonna pass a test. And then we get to like, like the little obstacle course, I guess in the MVA. And there's like stop signs or whatever. And I like, am nervous, so I'm like stopping, but I'm not doing like the best job.

And I also don't even really wanna be there taking that test. I'm just like doing it to get it over with. But he's like, don't keep tapping the brake people could rear-end you if you, uh, do that at a real stop sign. And I'm like, okay. Like, I'm like really stressed and nervous cause I hate driving.

Like driving makes me so anxious and also like, he's like intimidating. And so I'm like at every stop sign trying my best not to keep tapping the brake, but it's like difficult cause I'm like stressed and nervous and, and I'm trying my best.

And then we like drive around the surrounding area, like on the actual road.

And I'm doing great and doing good. I'm like, for some reason really stressed during the entire test of making sure, I'm like exactly at the speed limit. So like if the sign says 25 mph, I would want it to be at 25, not 24, not 26, 25. Which later led to my downfall because we had made it onto like one of the main roads and I think the speed limit was like 50 miles per hour.

Well, I don't think— I know, cause this memory's literally like burned into my head. I know that the speed limit is 50 miles per hour, so I'm like pushing that car. Mind you, I've only driven faster than 50 miles per hour like once in driver's ed when we had like the practical practice or whatever. And when I had the highway practice and I think I drove maybe 60 and I was like, oh my God, I drove so fast in that practice.

And so I hadn't driven 50— I don't even think I had ever driven 50 outside of like that one practice I did. So it was difficult. Like I was struggling to maintain that 50 miles per hour. But I was doing it, I was getting that 50 and I was like, wow, like I'm really killing it.

But I was still nervous. Literally had like a death grip on the steering wheel and all that. But then, he's like, turn here. And he says it literally like, I don't know, maybe five seconds before. And so, you know, I was going 50 miles per hour. You can't just go like 50 miles per hour and then make a turn like, that's not gonna work.

So I like panic and I'm like, screw it. Like literally like turning and breaking at the same time. I make it though, to be honest, it's impressive that I made that and that we didn't literally flip over. But I made it. And I'm like, oh, we're back at the MVA. Like, what?

How did we even get here? But then he's like, yeah, that's not gonna work. You literally, you didn't have control of your vehicle or whatever. You need to get out the car. And then I like get out the car and he switched seats and all of that and he like pulls up and like tells me that I failed.

And I'm like, literally, devastated. Like, I can't believe it. Can you believe that I failed the test on the last turn? The turn back into the MVA?

I failed the test because I didn't know where I was. So I think I failed that test for a number of reasons. One, I was really scared. I was stressed. I was scared cause I don't like driving and I was stressed and anxious cause of that man.

He was giving off awful vibes like god awful. But there was also the other factors of. Me going too fast to be able to turn and him assuming that I knew where I was, to be able to slow down on enough time to like, recognize my surroundings. Like, no sir, I don't know where I am. Like I'm not looking anywhere, but on the road in front of me, I do not recognize this area.

I don't know where I am. So because I couldn't slow down in enough time to make like a regular turn, I made that like weird wonky turn and he like freaked out about it, you know? I do think he was right for failing me. I think he had a valid point, but I also think he created an atmosphere of unnecessary uncomfort.

And, you know, it's not his job to make me feel comfortable, but he like added fuel to the fire of making me like even more anxious, which was horrible. I mean, like that was not necessary. He didn't need to do all that. Like it was not necessary. But suffice to say, I did end up bawling— crying to my mom after I failed that test.

And I think it was, I partly was crying because I was like embarrassed for failing the test right, and upset that I had to come back and do it again. But I think I was partly like emotionally crying because I had come so close to passing, like literally so close. I was almost there. Like it, I could taste it.

I could taste my license, and it was even more upsetting because I had my hair done just in case I passed and had to take a picture, and it was just like, ugh. Like it was so— it was so yucky. To be honest, it was not good. It was not a good feeling. But I think it built character. Honestly, I wouldn't, I was gonna say I wouldn't change it, but I— hmm yeah, I'm gonna stick with that.

I wouldn't change it, but I do wish it hadn't happened just a little bit. I did end up passing my second driver's test. I got a much nicer person. I also registered for the easier area. I had ptsd. I couldn't go back to that original place, so I went to like a place, the MVA that's like known for being easier to pass.

And I passed that one. He was really nice. He reminded me of like a big brother or whatever, and making jokes and making me feel more comfortable. It was a much, much, much more pleasant experience. So I guess I'm glad that I had to do it again to kind of like to get the nerves of the driver's test out of my system and replace it with a more positive experience.

Cause if I had just passed that first time, I would've like forever just been left with like that crotchety man as my like only metric of what the driving test was like. So in 2020, I got my car.

Is that my dog snoring? Anyway, in 2020, I got my car. I named him Murphy.

I don't know why, it just looked like a Murphy, but it was like, not peak pandemic, but more like the beginning of the pandemic. So we were definitely in lockdown. It was like April, but like nobody really knew it was happening. It was that time when everyone was telling us like not to wear a mask because the doctors needed them.

So we went to CarMax. Me and my mom. And we like picked out the car that we saw online, like a used car and it was so weird cause we didn't have masks on, which is really crazy to me. Like really blows my mind now thinking about it. But we for some reason had gloves. We wore gloves to the car dealership instead of masks, which, you know is dumb but we didn't know what was going on back then.

Don't judge me. You were washing your groceries too, you were wiping them down, weren't you? And I was wearing gloves to the car dealership instead of a mask. It is what it is. And I remember like the gloves slipping on my hands when I was like trying to sign the paperwork to get the car.

It was really surreal, but I knew that I needed a car because I knew that I would need it for my last year of college. Because I was aware that my program, my program as an education major, an elementary education major, requires me to be able to drive to my internship or at least get to my internship some type of way.

So I knew I would need a car some at some point, which is kind of why I was so determined, or like I knew that I needed to get my driver's license like soon. All because I knew that in the end I would need to like, at some point get to an internship to do my student teaching residency. So I mean, when we think about this, like thinking about the other episode that I recorded, called don't ask me what I wanna be when I grow up.

It's really interesting to think about how long I prepared for this career path, like all the way back to when I was 16, 18. I was thinking like, oh yeah, I need to get my license and get a car so I can get to my student teaching internship in college. Like, I was really thinking those types of things. Like it was— I was serious about this, this was gonna be my life.

So it's really funny to think about those things now, especially knowing what I know about my life now. Not knowing which direction to take my life anymore when it was so clear cut and obvious to me in the past, that I was obviously just gonna become a teacher because that's what I wanted to do and that's what I liked to do.

But now I am no longer like that. Anyway, so the point of saying all that was that I was getting my license for a purpose and I was getting my car for a purpose to get me to my student teaching internship, but I really had no desire to drive, like I was not interested in it. Matter of fact, whenever my friends came over before I got the car, it was very obvious I wasn't gonna be driving.

And after I got the car, I still didn't drive. Like, my friends just came and picked me up and like they would literally park next to my car and pick me up and I would go. Because I just didn't— wasn't interested in driving. And I know that's okay. Now I know that that's normal and there's plenty of other people like that who just don't like driving.

But at the time it felt like something was wrong with me. Because all of my other friends wanted to drive or liked to drive or liked what driving could do for them in terms of, in terms of their independence. I felt like I was weird or estranged for not having the same desires.

I also think this is because I felt anxious every time I had to drive.

Especially when I had never been there before. Or like, well, let me rephrase that. Especially when I had never driven there before, like myself. Driving as a whole made me anxious. Literally getting in the car and getting on the road felt like I was gonna die at any minute. Like I was just gonna get in a car accident and like be paralyzed or die or something, or like hit someone else.

Like I was just anxious all the time at the idea of having to get in the car and drive. And as I said earlier, I had anxiety over changing lanes cause I had learned in driving school that the more you change lanes, the more likely you are to get into a car accident. Which obviously makes sense, but like in my brain I was like, oh my god, just change lanes as few times as possible.

But it makes sense cuz you're like literally like trying to merge onto oncoming traffic and stuff like that when you're changing lanes. So just the whole process of driving made me anxious. It made me feel yucky. It made me sweaty. It gave me, honestly, a similar reaction that I had to public speaking, like I was sweaty, I was shaky.

I was just out of sorts from the whole experience. I also had some pretty traumatizing experiences with driving. For one, when I went to my local mall, every time I went to like this one specific mall, I would hit a curb every single time. And hitting a curb is like so humbling.

It's like a big jolt and you realize what happened. And you have to like get the car off the curb while other people are watching. And then like, pretend like that never happened or you just feel like you shouldn't have a driver's license.

To be honest, I also, when I got my first part-time job, which was in May 2020. I got lost, like I just missed a turn. I wasn't really lost cause let me be honest, I was in the area where I had lived and been around my whole life, but as we know, I did not know where my own high school was. So I obviously didn't know where I was or at least how I got there when I missed a turn to my job.

In my brain every place is like on a little island, like the grocery store is on a little island in my head. And the school is on a little island. How these places are connected and how you get there makes no sense to me. At least it didn't at this point. And some places it still don't to me. Like they, they exist on their own.

We get there somehow, but I really couldn't tell you how, and I couldn't tell you how close they are to different milestones relative to like other things in my life. I don't know. It's just how my brain works. So, yeah, I missed that turn. I was lost. I mean, I figured it out. I had a GPS, thank God. But it was really scary and nerve-wracking.

But here's the thing, I didn't just miss my turn because I'm like, inept or whatever. I missed my turn cause they were doing construction on the road on the one day that I was gonna be driving there for my first day. So I missed my turn cause they were doing construction on the road and the lane that I needed to be in was closed.

And then I had to go to my first day of work where there's already a lot of anxiety, like my first day in a new environment at a new job. I had never had like a real job before that. And on top of all that, we had like pandemic stuff where nobody knew what was going on. So it was just crazy.

And I literally, like, you would never even know like that had happened to me, that I got lost before I got there. And people who know, like where I worked and where I live, would find it so ridiculous that I got lost. Because it's like, it's like my local community. Like I've lived here almost my whole life.

How could I not know where I am and how could I get lost like that? But I just did. I'm just not good at directions and that's okay. It's not my thing. But it was scary.

And then there was another time at my job, I think it was like two months into my job where I had pulled into a parking spot and had to back out of the spot to leave.

And there was this white woman, like, I guess a customer from the store I worked at who was like watching me back out. And for some reason it like, gave me performance anxiety and I just couldn't do it. Like I couldn't, I couldn't back out. I don't even know what happened. I was stuck for some reason.

I was worried about hitting the cars around me and it was like I had to go in, go out, go in, go out, go in, go out, go in, go out until I could like, like wiggle my car free. Honestly, I don't even know, but I know the woman watched me the whole time. Like, why would you do that to me?

Why are white people always in black people's business? Like, why was she doing that? That was so unnecessary? But it stressed me out and it made me never wanna park in a spot like that again because I felt like I was being judged. I just felt I was being judged, like, why are you watching me do what I need to do? Mind your business.

But now that I'm thinking about it, actually she might've just been waiting for me to get outta my spot so she could like walk. You know, continue walking in the parking lot without worrying about getting hit by a car, but it felt like she was judging me. I don't know. It could have been either, she could have just been waiting for me or she could have been in my business.

I got the vibes that she was being nosy and judgmental.

But yeah, this is the pinnacle of the most traumatizing experience I have had. Well, that's not even true. That's not even true, but I'm gonna say the statement anyway, the most traumatizing experience that I've had to date.

With driving in regards to my driving skills is more accurate. Okay, so it was last spring when I was driving to my internship at an elementary school and I— well, honestly, I wasn't even driving yet. I was about to start driving. I was getting in my car— the car was defrosting cause it was January.

And I was ready to get out, ready to back outta my parking spot. And I get stuck like I'm— my car is really like diagonal between the two cars. I'm worried about hitting the car on my right. I'm worrying about hitting the car on my left. I'm worried about hitting the car behind me. I'm just stressed and this is not because I'm a horrible driver.

I don't know. I'm not a horrible driver. I wouldn't say that. But I do know that the parking spots in this particular lot that I had parked in on campus that my parking pass was for, was very narrow. And it's kind of like that, like in all of the places of my university, like the university tried to put as many parking spots as they could in the parking lot to, you know, extort as much money as they could from the students.

So all the parking lots are very narrow and I have a lot of dings on the doors of my car just because of how narrow the spots are. My car is regularly getting hit by other people opening their door. So I think because the spots were so narrow and as someone who was like an inexperienced driver at the time, it was just like a recipe for disaster.

I literally broke down in tears.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm laughing, but I broke down in tears because I was stuck. I broke down in tears and I called my mom, like I was stuck for a good 10 minutes.

Imagine this: it's January. It's cold. It's like 6:50 AM. You don't even wanna be awake right now. And you're going to an internship and it's like your first couple days and you don't like driving, but you're trying your best and you're, you know, kind of excited, whatever, whatever. And you're stuck.

You're stuck between two cars and you're worried you're gonna hit them and you missed the bus. So you have to take your car cause you already missed the bus. And so you're just, you're just stuck there and you feel like, getting out of your car, locking the doors and never looking back.

Just leaving it there in the middle of the parking lot, like, forget the car. Is it even worth it? That's, that's how I was feeling.

I feel like I'm not even accurately portraying how panicked and upset I was in this moment, like I was stuck for 10 minutes. Imagine you're going in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out of this parking spot trying to get your car out, trying to reverse out of this like narrow ass parking spot.

And you can't, like, you're just stuck there. And it's early in the morning, like you're barely, barely functioning. Yeah. So I broke down in tears. That day I don't even really know how I got out. Like by some miracle I managed to get out of that parking spot. But from that day forward, which was like, it's almost been a year since that day, which is really scary to think about, but it's almost been a year and I have not parked in a spot that I couldn't pull through since that day.

You know, two spots across from each other where you can like, pull through one and then like stop at the one across from it. So that when it's time to leave, you just like drive straight out of it instead of having to like reverse out. I haven't parked in a parking spot where I can't do that since then because I was so traumatized by that.

And even when I'm like going places, I'm like, oh no, I can't go there cause I can't pull through in the parking spot. Which is really crazy cause I used to be really good at two point turns and all of that business. I used to be scared of driving on the streets, on the roads and love parking.

And now it's like the opposite. I hate parking, but I love driving on the road. I don't love— but I don't mind driving in the roads. So that was really traumatizing. The other thing that traumatized me, like when I said that that was like the most traumatizing experience driving to date was, um, it happened just recently actually.

I was on my way home from my first day at my current internship. If you guys are seeing a pattern here and I was almost home like I was like two turns away from my house actually. I was at the stoplight, minding my business, listening to my music. Like, woo. First day of my internship done. Yay! Met my mentor. She's actually pretty cool. Yay! I'm so excited. This year's not gonna suck. Like that's what I was feeling. I was vibing.

And then there's a car accident right in front of my eyes, like literally a person t-bones, a motorcyclist right in front of me and the motorcyclist flies off his motorcycle and skids across the ground and stops right next to my car.

And that was so surreal, that whole experience. It was really, it was really scary. He was breathing in and out. Really, like, I don't even know how to explain it. Like, it was just like, like a fish, you know how a fish flops on the deck of a boat when you take them out? It was like his, his belly was making like erratic puffs of air.

Filling up with air, deflating. Fill up with air, deflating. And his skin was just raw. Red and raw from skidding across the gravel of the road. It was really disturbing. And I remember just repeating like, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God. Like, I literally couldn't believe my eyes and people were rushing to help him.

And I was just like stuck. My hands glued to the steering wheel. It was really traumatic. It was the first time I'd ever seen like a car accident right in front of me. It really made me never wanna get in a car again, to be honest.

And the police came, and the fire ambulance came. And I actually still to this day, don't know if he's okay. I think so. I hope he was okay. He was responsive from what I saw, and people rushed to help him. It made me feel like, you know, there's hope for humanity to some extent. But it really reminded me of what the reality is every time you get behind the wheel.

So that was my most traumatizing experience ever in a car. But getting stuck in the parking spot was like my most traumatizing experience in regards to like my skills with driving.

I kind of went on a tangent... That was kind of depressing. Sorry about that. But that's some real stuff. Like that's some things you have to think about, like as you're in your car driving, like the precarious position that your life is in every second that you are on the road, which I think really is the root cause of like my fear of driving.

This fear that my life is not really in my control right now. Like anything could happen to me at any moment while I'm in this car, which is true really for any time you're in a car, but it feels like even more magnified when I'm the one driving. Yeah. So a couple of things that I do that are really— like, okay, so when you see it from an outside perspective, you don't really think that it means much.

Just seems like a normal thing to do. But for me it is like I do it because of my fear or aversion to driving whatever it is. I really hate driving when I'm hanging out with my friends. Like one, because I never know where I'm going. And two because. I don't drive on highways. I just don't, I don't know.

If there's a way to go that doesn't involve a highway, that's where I'm going. I don't think I've been on a highway in over a year. No, that's not true. I accidentally went on a highway on my way to my internship last spring because I missed my turn once again. And this was the first day of the internship I had.

It was dark cause it was winter and it was early in the morning and I couldn't really see and I missed my turn. I ended up on a major highway and I was like sandwiched between trucks, like semis on all sides. On the front, the back, the left, the right there were trucks on all sides of me. And for someone who has like major driving anxiety, that was horrible.

And once again, I showed up to the internship. Happy and chipper. No one would know a thing. No one would know that something so traumatizing had happened to me because I just followed the GPS to get to the school.And when I got there, I took deep breaths.

I called my mom and I waited for my hands to stop shaking. I wiped the tears from my eyes and I got up and I went and introduced myself to my mentor at the time. Because I mean, what else could I do? It's not like I could do anything about what had just happened to me. All I could do was just move forward.

But anyway, I do avoid highways still to this day. I haven't intentionally, I'm gonna change what I said earlier, I haven't intentionally been on a highway since a long time. I don't even remember. It feels like it's been like a over a year and a half. For reference, I've had my license for about three years now.

I think three years. When hanging out with my friends. I usually say that I just don't like driving instead of mentioning like the near crippling anxiety that I have when just like even thinking about driving. And it's not because, well, I'm lying, it is because it is because I feel embarrassed to say that driving gives me anxiety and I don't know why I feel embarrassed.

Maybe just like talking about my vulnerabilities and my weaknesses makes me uncomfortable or something. I don't know. But I like, I haven't told them that driving gives me extreme anxiety. And that that's the reason why I don't drive whenever we hang out. Or I never volunteer to drive and I feel bad.

Like I always offer to pay for gas and stuff because like, I'll pay for the gas if I don't have to drive, I'll pay for your gas. Don't even worry about it. But it's like I've gone so long, almost three years, without telling them that I hate driving and that gives me like anxiety, debilitating anxiety, that it feels like even weird to bring it up now. To be like, oh yeah, by the way, the reason I've never driven when we hang out is cause I have anxiety about driving and it makes me upset.

It feels like I missed that boat or something. So they just like simply don't know that about this part of me. I have this friend who makes me feel really weird about not wanting to drive when we like make plans to hang out. Everytime she's like, are you driving or am I driving? And mind you, it's been like three years of me being like, I would rather not drive, thanks.

And it's like she's still, I don't know, but it makes me feel weird and like she's making me say like, please, I don't wanna drive. Is it okay if you drive? And it makes me feel like— weak, is that the word? I don't know. Like ashamed, embarrassed. And part of the reason why I don't tell people why I don't like driving.

Like the real reason behind it is because it makes me feel like kind of embarrassed and weird. So I don't like that she like pressures me to say it every time. I don't even know if she's doing this intentionally or not, but it feels like she like wants to see me drive and wants to ride in my car. Or maybe she just doesn't understand, like, I don't like to drive, don't make me elaborate.

You know, if I wanted to elaborate, I would, and maybe one day I will, but like, you are making me not want to, to do anything. And it makes hanging out with her like not fun. And my other friends, they don't even ask me if I wanna drive anymore. They're just like, who's driving?

And it's like they don't even make me feel like weird about not wanting to drive. So, I know this is not just me, it's like this friend is being like weird in that way. Because my other friends like, have taken the hint and don't really press me on it, and it makes me want to tell them like, actually guys, the reason why I don't drive is because... But with her, it makes me feel like cornered and scared and nervous and anxious, and I don't really like how that makes me feel.

So I guess like taking note of how people react to your boundaries, your preferences is very important because this friend that I have is not reacting or responding in a way that's healthy for me. Another thing that I did because of my aversion to driving is that I got to campus early last semester by like 30 minutes every day, which doesn't seem like a lot, but when your class starts at 8:30 or 8:00 AM it is a lot. So it takes me like an hour to commute to campus. That means I'm leaving like 30 more minutes earlier than I need to to get to campus.

And then on days when I had class later that started at like 12:00 PM I would still get to the campus the same time as if I had class at 8:30 because I realized that when I got to campus that early, like I had my choice of any parking spot I could pull through. It was just, it's just a way for me to reduce the anxiety that I had surrounding parking and driving, especially because I was like traumatized from parking in that narrow parking lot last year.

So anything I could do to limit that or decrease that I would do, but it came at a cost of like waking up absurdly early when I didn't need to on those days that I had late classes. But I would do it anyway just because of the driving thing and when I got there I would just like study.

My fear about driving now is mostly about like hitting things. I think before it was about me like getting hit by someone else, but lately I've been like really anxious about hitting other things. Not necessarily even people just like, even stuff like a parked car. So I mean, like sometimes I spend a while just driving around trying to find a spot that doesn't stress me out as much.

A parking lot that doesn't stress me out as much consists of what? A spot that I can pull through one where there's lots of space for me to mess up and one where I can back up and go back in and back up and go back in a couple times to make sure I'm straight. And 90% of the time I'm not straight.

I'm absurdly crooked, but sometimes I look at it and say, that's just gonna be good enough today. As long as I'm in the lines and I can pull out. That's good enough for me. I'm gonna leave my pride right here in the parking lot with my car and get out of this crooked car and just call it a day.

Sometimes it's just like that and I've just come to terms with that.

No, I wanna give myself some credit. I have come such a long way from when I was 18 and I failed my first driver's test, I before couldn't even drive on a road with other cars on it. Like I just was like driving in secluded areas to practice.

As I told you, I didn't know how to get to my high school, like I didn't know anything. Now I like drive to campus like an hour away. Granted, okay, so it's only like an hour away because I don't take the highway. If I took the highway, it wouldn't be an hour away, but as we know, I don't take highways so it's an hour away.

I do what I need to do to get where I need to be, and that's really all driving is to me and I'm okay with that, but I also wanna push myself to drive more especially on highways. Cause I keep finding myself getting stuck on the roads that I feel comfortable with because I think like if I can get to the same place on roads that are familiar, why should I drive somewhere like on a road that scares me?

So what if it takes an extra 5 or 10 minutes? But in that way, I'm like limiting myself and coddling myself by not challenging myself to go further. So while I recognize how far I've come since I started driving, I know that I can do so much more and I'm capable of so much more, and that my fear is holding me back.

So I'll get there someday. Slowly but surely someday I will be able to drive on all kinds of roads and park in all kinds of parking spaces except for parallel. That one, I don't know about that one. I don't know if that will ever be my reality, but, I'll be able to do everything else.

I know that I definitely drive with more confidence and self-assurance than I used to, and I'm definitely not the same person who cried after she failed her first driver's test. I think that in itself is a win.

So really in summary, driving makes me nervous because I'm not good at directions. So going new places stresses me out and I don't drive on the highway. And when I'm going somewhere like unfamiliar, I feel like it's because I feel like I need to know where all lanes are. I don't wanna be caught unaware on a turning lane and then not be able to get over.

Like, that's just like my worst nightmare for some reason. And it feels, it makes me feel kind of stupid and weak because it's like something everyone does and it's so simple, like why can't I do it? But I can't. And I'm trying to come to terms with that and establish boundaries with my friends. But it feels like I kind of waited too long to tell them.

And at this point I can't tell them. And I thought, honestly, I've had my license for a couple years now. I thought I would be at a point where I wouldn't have to tell them. Because I thought I would've like, oh, in a couple years I'll like have mastered all of this and I won't be afraid of it anymore. But I haven't.

And I think that's mostly because of me limiting myself by avoiding things that scare me or intimidate me, like the highway. I'll just go the long way. So I think my new goal is going to be to drive somewhere intimidating and scary. For me, which could just be as simple as going on the highway for a little bit to get to the mall at least once a month.

And if I don't do that, then to park in a spot where I can't pull through, I have to back out to get out at least once a month. I'm gonna start there and see where that takes me. I don't know how I'm gonna hold myself accountable for this to make sure that I do it once a month, but I'll try because I wanna become a better driver and I wanna drive my friends places without being like riddled with anxiety and so much that my hands are like trembling.

So I'm gonna start with that and see if that helps me. I wanted to make this episode talking about like my anxieties about driving mainly to, you know, shed a light on just the different perspectives that there are in the world and that you never really know what someone is going through.

I talked about all those instances when I went through something that really upset me related to driving, and then I had to like show up and pretend like everything was all good or just move on from that instance, that upsetting event and that if you have anxieties about driving, you're not alone.

We're all out here. Maybe you feel like you're alone, but you're really not. You just might feel like that because we're pretending like our anxieties aren't there or we're doing what we need to do to get where we need to be.

With that, I think I'll end the episode there. There's definitely a bunch of other things that I'm probably forgetting to talk about related to how I feel about driving, but this is like kind of a general overview of, you know, how it impacts my life and how I've tried to overcome it.

But as always, I hope that tomorrow is a better day than today. I hope that you do what you need to do to get where you need to be whatever that entails. And I hope it's not as traumatizing as what my journeys sometimes seem to be. I hope yours is nice and peaceful.

Make sure to follow the podcast on Instagram @jumblepodcast and on TikTok @jumblepodcast. And if you have any questions for me, you can definitely send an email to jumblepodinquiries@gmail.com, which is a new thing that I've been doing lately.

But yeah, as always, it's been a joy talking to you guys and I'm probably gonna take a little nap now.