May 21, 2023
episode description
Outgrowing a friendship is painful for everyone. It's painful if they've outgrown your friendship and you haven't. It's painful when you've outgrown it and they haven't. And somehow it's still painful even when everyone has outgrown it at the same time. But even amongst the discomfort that the pain brings during this time, there's also a sense of excitement when you realize that outgrowing a friendship means that you are one step closer to figuring out what kind of person that you want to be.
transcript
So today I got my eyelashes done for graduation because I'm graduating college like literally this week, which is crazy to say out loud.
But anyway, I wanted to do something different. I sometimes I feel like I did it because I want to prove to myself that I'm not the same version of myself that came into college, which might seem silly, but I l literally look very similar. There are some differences, like how I look when I entered college versus now. But mostly I look like the same. I feel like if people from high school saw me, they'd be like, "Oh, that's Sidney like she looks the same."
And I wanted to do something that felt like very much out of my norm for graduation. I'm an adult now like a real, real big adult. So I like wanted my physical appearance to reflect that as well. So I got eyelash extensions.
I was originally going to put my hair in a wig because for some reason that feels like adult behavior. But I was worried that I wouldn't like how it turned out. So I just went with eyelash extensions. Anyway, I feel like I'm going on a rant.
The point of me saying this is that I'm looking at myself in the mirror right now. And I look great, like the eyelash extensions are doing their thing. They look really really good.
However, I look in the mirror and I miss my old self. I even got my eyebrows waxed and now I miss my eyebrows. I do. I miss my little stray curly hairs going all over the place. I miss my bushy eyebrows. And like I'm kind of sad while I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I'm sad because I'm like, Oh my God, where are my eyebrows?
And I don't want you to think that my eyebrows like don't look good. They look really, really good. But I'm looking at myself in the mirror with my eyelashes and my eyebrows done and I just don't see Sidney. Maybe I just need to get used to it and I'm just not used my reflection right now.
Sometimes when I do my hair, I don't like how I look because I haven't gotten used to the new hairstyle and then like three days later I'm like oh my god I look great. So maybe that's what I'm going through, but I don't want you guys to think that I don't like love it. I don't regret getting my eyelashes done, I don't get regret getting my eyebrows done. I think I look really really good. I'm just looking in the mirror right now and I see a stranger and it's so odd and comfortable.
I miss my eyebrows. I'm like I can't wait for them to go back. Like the little hairs. And I think most people wouldn't like those hairs. They'd be like they like, "oh my god, my eyebrows are bushy." Maybe it's just me.
Anyway, today's episode is about outgrowing your friendships. I feel like that's especially pertinent topic for me right now as I am going through yet another transition phase in my life. I'm graduating college, and I feel like I am outgrowing my friendships and it's okay.
It's uncomfortable though. It's very, very uncomfortable because it's literally like the name, outgrowing friendships, that is literally what it is. It feels like you're outgrowing your clothes or your shoes, but you're trying to make it fit anyway.
I had this pair of pink boots that I loved in elementary school. And I really wore those shoes to the ground. I don't remember exactly, but I feel like I cried when I realized that my feet had gotten too big to wear my boots. I was jamming my foot in the boot saying like "No mom, it can still fit. No, please don't give it away. Don't give my shoes away to Goodwill."
Like I really still wanted it to fit. And I feel like that's very similar to outgrowing some friendships because it just feels uncomfortable and restricting. And it's not right, but you wish it was right. It just doesn't fit anymore. It doesn't fit your current life.
And when you first realize that you're outgrowing your friendships, you try to recreate those memories, that feeling of the nostalgia that you guys you used to have in that friendship whenever you hung out.
And it's not always one sided, with the other friend being the only one wanting to recreate those memories. Sometimes you also crave the nostalgia, the happy moments from those times, but you know that you can't recreate it. That's not something that can be recreated. You know that that time is just past and it's when you try to recreate the memories. It's so awkward. It's uncomfortable. I don't know.
I tried recently to recreate that feeling when I hung out with an old friend and I was so hyperaware of the fact that the laughter wasn't coming as easy. Like, I was just like, hanging out with them out of obligation, which I don't know, it made hanging out with them even more sad for me, it made the realization that our friendship is basically like, kind of over, or like coming towards the end, really, really prominent for me. I don't know if my friend felt the same way. But it was just so clear to me that like, the friendship that we used to have, it doesn't exist anymore, because we're not those people anymore. Or we're just interested in different things, or just life, it's just different.
We're not in high school anymore. So it's not the same. And it's sad. You know, I remember those days, those days hanging out after school, where laughter came easy, and you were smiling, you were just happy to be in their presence.
It's not like I'm not happy to be in their presence or anything, it just, it's just not the same. It's not the same. And it's like, when you get to that point where it's like all you can remember is how great it used to be and you're realizing that it's not like that anymore, you kind of want to just let the friendship end before all you can remember is the not so great times, the times of you trying to recreate those great times, instead of all the times where you felt so happy and grateful for their friendship in the past.
And sometimes when you get to that point where you have that realization, you feel like, like it's your fault like, "oh, okay, I'm the one that's changed, so it must be my fault. How can I change back? How can I make it so this friendship is working still, because they're a great friend. And I would love to have them in my life still, but why doesn't it feel right? Like, why do I feel so? Like, I'm suffocating? Why do I feel relieved when I come home after hanging out with them? Like, why do I? Why? Why am I just happy that it's over? Glad that my time hanging out with them is over? Like that's not right. That's not how it should be? What the heck is going on here?"
That's how I feel. I feel like it's my fault. Like, I did something wrong. And I know that's not true, I'm just different. Or maybe things are just different or they aren't different, I don't know something is different, something that's wrong. And the friendship, it doesn't feel the same anymore. And sometimes when it feels like it's your fault, sometimes, in those moments, when I'm feeling that it's my fault I feel like the reason why I've outgrown the friendship is because that friend knew a version of myself that I don't want to be associated with anymore.
Like the version of myself, that doesn't exist anymore. And sometimes I feel a little bit like, restricted, like I can't try new things or do new things or act differently. Because I like feel this need to fit the old version of myself, my past self that they're used to.
So like, for example, the eyelash extensions I'm wearing right now, I know some of my friends from high school would've dropped dead at the side of me with eyelash extensions. And obviously, that's stupid. Like, do what you want. Do what you want with your life, change how you want, whatever, whatever. If friends aren't down for it, then they are not really your friend or they don't deserve your friendship, you know what I'm saying?
Like if you're feeling restricted in what you can do, how you can change yourself because of your friendships, then something is wrong. You're gonna evolve and your friendship should evolve with that.
What am I saying?
I'm saying that like, even though I know that and even though I know my friends wouldn't judge me for changing, I know that they will probably make a comment or whatever, make light of it. But they wouldn't like be like, "Oh my god, like, why are you doing that?"
They would support me, but it still feels like I feel like I can only be the Sidney that they that they met when they first met me. And it's limiting and it's like I itch to release myself— to get out of that like restrictive mindset. And I don't know if this is like toxic or whatever. Like is this bad me being a bad friend?
But I feel like I just need to like end the friendship. Like I can't move on from that past version of myself until that friendship is over.
And here's the thing I have some friends that I've been friends with like for a really long time like way way way back to early elementary school and I don't feel like that with them. I know that I could do whatever to myself, I could change however and we'll always be friends. We'll always be right or die friends but there's some friends where I feel like I literally like have to stay stagnant in their presence. Like I feel like like I can only be a past version of myself. I don't know how else to say that. I just feel limited and restricted.
And when the friendship finally tapers off— when they finally stop texting you or they get too busy with their life or you get too busy with your life and you've like both outgrown the friendship and there's not like a dramatic end I always feel so relieved. Like I can take a deep breath and be like, "Oh my gosh, like, I don't have to worry about hurting their feelings anymore. I don't have to pretend that I'm into the friendship still." It's just like it's over. We've just— lives have moved on, gone different directions.
And they will always like always be in my heart. They always be my friend, I'll always treasure those memories. But our friendship has just like tapered off and come to an end. But with that sense of relief, sometimes I feel like I'm an asshole for being happy that our friendship is over, especially if that friendship like wasn't a bad friendship. Like they weren't a bad friend or anything. I don't know, maybe I am an asshole.
But I feel like, I don't know, I feel relief. And I feel bad that I feel relieved, I guess is what I'm saying.
But when you find your people in life— like I did when I stumbled into this group of friends. And it was like, like, I like they were my people. You know? I felt like I could truly be myself, I could say whatever I wanted, I could, like, truly, truly, truly be myself around them and I didn't feel any type of way about who I was.
So here's an example. So I have hand tremors, My hands shake, and it doesn't take much for my hands to start shaking. Like I get anxious about the smallest thing, or nervous about the smallest thing and they shake. My hand shaking doesn't mean like I'm losing my mind kind of nervous, it just might mean that I'm a little bit anxious about something. And sometimes when I'm around some of my friends, like my old friends, I feel weird talking about it, or when they notice it I feel uncomfortable.
But when you find your people, when you realize that you've found your group of people that will accept you no matter what— or they just make it easier for you to accept yourself, it doesn't even have to be about them accepting you, it's about you feeling comfortable enough to accept yourself for who you truly are unfiltered.
You then realize how uncomfortable you've been in that old friendship. And sometimes that's all it takes for you to realize that you've like outgrown that friendship. And when you've found your people, you feel like you can finally breathe, like breathe freely. Your shoulders aren't tense, your chest isn't tight, you're not stressed all the time about saying the right thing, wearing the right thing, doing the right thing. You just feel so at peace.
And I think when I realized I had found my people, I couldn't help but compare it to those friendships, where I knew that I was like having trouble accepting myself for being who I truly am around them. And it's not like a fault of my friends or anything. Like, it's just, it's just how it ended up being.
I guess the key takeaway from that is to surround yourself with people who make you happy. Who make you feel good about being yourself, even if that is like internally. Even if it's not them making you feel bad about who you are, even if it's just you feeling some type of way about being yourself around them. It's all you, it's all your feelings about whatever is bothering you. Try to find those people that don't lead you to do that. I don't know, sometimes people say things like offhand comments and stuff like that. And that is what makes you have these thoughts.
It does not always have to be someone doing something wrong. Internalizing things, like sometimes it's just little offhand comments that add up over time, pile up over time, and make you feel like this deep rooted sense of feeling uncomfortable, and sometimes you don't even remember like why you feel uncomfortable around them or why you feel like you can't truly be yourself around them. But it could be like you know, your subconscious reminding you of all those offhand comments, offhand actions or gestures that ultimately make you feel like you can't truly be yourself.
And then I feel like another reason that sometimes people outgrow their friendships is when like, two people are evolving, like as a person, but they're like evolving in different directions. Like they're becoming different people. So we're both changing, which is like, you know, you just change over time in life, but one person's focuses are maybe going one direction and another person's focus in life is going another direction and their interests are different. And what they like to do for fun is different. And everything about them is just like polar opposites.
And it's like, what do you do when you hang out? Because you guys don't do the same thing anymore or even if you don't like the same things, you dislike whatever they enjoy and they dislike whatever you enjoy and it's just like a mess. It's like, oh my god, like, what? What happened? How did we become so different? I don't even I don't even remember, I didn't even realize this was happening.
And there are moments when I feel like coming face to face with those friendships that I've outgrown, you know, those moments when I'm trying to recreate that feeling of nostalgia that I remember in my memories of hanging out with them. It kind of makes me mourn that past version of myself that I was when I hadn't outgrown the friendship yet. It makes me mourn who I used to be, it makes me mourn the end of a phase in my life that I enjoyed. When I come to the realization that that period of my life is truly over and that can be as simple as like high school, I graduated high school a while ago. Oh, my God, four years ago, that's crazy. Anyway, I graduated high school while ago.
And sometimes it's still shocking to me to be like, Oh my gosh, high school is over. Like, my high school self doesn't exist anymore.
Like, obviously, she exists inside of me, but I'm not my high school self. So I grieve myself, if that makes sense. I'm sad that I'm not that version of myself. I'm happy with who I am right now. But it is very strange, when you realize— when you have that, like out of body realization that you're not that version of yourself anymore. That's really interesting. It's really strange to grieve yourself.
Anyway, I feel like I've been talking a lot in this episode about being on like, the side of the friendship where you've outgrown the friendship, but the other friend maybe has not, or you've both outgrown the friendship. And it's like a mutual leaving type of thing. But I feel like I've also been on the receiving end of when people outgrow the friendship, but I'm still like hanging on to it. Which is, that's a different type of devastating. Truly, truly, truly is a different type of devastating.
I remember, this happened to me, my first year of high school. So my middle school best friend, when we went to high school, just stopped talking to me. And she didn't really say anything to me. Nothing happened.
Like, I mean, obviously, it was summer, and we didn't really talk about that much over the summer. But they just stopped talking to me. And I remember being like, so confused, like, Did I do something wrong? Like, what? What happened? Are they mad at me? What's, what happened? Like, why are we not friends anymore? Why don't we talk? Why don't we text? Why in the hallway do you just walk past me like you don't see me? And that feeling was really, really shitty.
It was really, it was really devastating. It was really, I don't know, I think I'm still sad about it. Like to this day. It's still strange when I see them post on Instagram. I actually— so they requested to follow me on Instagram, maybe two years ago, and I declined the request. I was like, what's going on here?
And maybe it's stupid to like, hold on to a grudge from when you were 14. It's not a grudge, I'm just a little little hurt. It's not a grudge, but I am holding on to those feelings from when I was 14 at the age that I'm at now, like seven years later, so I don't know. But it did hurt my feelings a lot.
And I was especially confused when she just started hanging out with other people. Like I basically essentially got replaced for some other people. And I don't really know, I don't really know what happened. Truly, maybe she just thinks that we just like stopped talking because, you know, small things happened.
We weren't in the same classes. We didn't have lunch at the same time. Instead of riding the bus, her sister would drive her to school. And it's like all those small things added up to me not seeing her as much. But then when she had the opportunity to talk to me and hang out with me, she like, didn't take it and chose to hang out with other people. And I had to like come to terms with the fact that our friendship just like— that was just how our friendship was going to end.
Nothing happened to like, you know, nobody was mad at each other at least as far as I know. But just they just decided that they want to hang out with different people, which happens a lot in that transition from middle school to high school, but it's still like what's bizarre, what's truly bizarre to me is like we— when I tell you we were best friends, like we were tight. We were like best friends. Like I was convinced that if I got married, she was gonna be there. Like we, I don't know, we talked about everything.
So I mean I even though I talked about like how I'm outgrowing some of my friendships and I like, I just want them to leave me alone kind of thing so the friendship can end because I know that version of our friendship no longer exists, the one that they're like stuck in, I also empathize with the other side where people feel like they've outgrown your friendship and you're not ready to let go of it.
It's tough. It's really, really tough. But I guess when you've been on both sides, you realize that, you know, things happen, life happens. And at the end of the day, you have to do what makes you happy. Like you need to chase, in life, what makes you feel happy, what makes you fulfilled, what makes you excited to wake up every morning. Not only just what makes you excited to wake up what makes you excited to live through the day, because you're the one that's got to live through your life. It's up to you how you want to live your life.
It's up to you, you can make choices to chase your own happiness.
I think I'm gonna wrap up the episode there. But I did want to talk about when I went to a concert a couple weeks ago and he did this thing where— actually I don't remember there was two artists. But I mean, it was one of them. I don't remember which one did this. So one of them would do this thing where he would say you're beautiful. And then the whole crowd would be like, I know. And I, in the beginning when he did that when he was like, you're beautiful. I was like, I know, like, ha ha, yeah.
And then like, he would do it again. He'd say you're beautiful and I'd be like, I know. And by the end of the concert when he was like, you're beautiful. I was like, I know, I know. I'm beautiful. Like I just had like so much confidence by the end of the concert. And I've been repeating that to myself a lot lately. Like in the mirror. I'll be like you're beautiful and tell myself I know.
So today or whenever, maybe tomorrow morning, I want you to look in the mirror and and tell yourself that you're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
I hope you were saying I know otherwise that's really awkward for me. Anyway, yeah, you're beautiful, and I hope you never forget that.