March 12, 2023
episode description
Including father figure-like characters in my stories when writing always gives me a pause. As a writer that draws heavily for her own life to spin fictional stories, this weakness makes me feel a little bit like I’m lacking as a writer. In this episode, I explore the causes of this mental block and the larger cultural implications that it has on my writing.
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transcript
I have a confession to make.
I honestly have no idea how to write father figures.And I know you're probably like, dang. What does she know how to write? She don't know how to write characters of color. She don't know how to write father figures. Like, what is she writing about? And you have a valid point.
You have a very valid point, but I just, I just struggle to write them. If I'm being honest, there are basically no father figures in most of my stories. And if they are there, they get killed off immediately within like the first chapter. Sometimes even the first sentence, I'm like, oh, he's dead. And if they're not killed off, I just like give a vague description of them in passing, like, oh yeah, and he's here too.
Or I'll just like not mention them at all. And I didn't realize this.
I mean, I think I subconsciously on some level knew about it, but I didn't really like, I don't know, see the through line, whatever, until someone in my critique class, in my creative writing class read one of my pieces.
Like she had read a couple of my pieces and she was like, "you know what, Sidney? There is a very strong matriarchal presence in all of your stories." And I was like, oh yeah, there is. When I first heard her say that it didn't bother me that much, but as I started thinking though, I was like, wait a minute.
She just said my stories are women dominated, female dominated, which is great. You know, we love a great female dominated story because for a lot of those narratives that are out in the world, it's not female driven. It's driven by male protagonists.
But when she said that, I was like, can I even— am I even able to, like is it even possible for me to write a story driven by male characters.
And I was like, okay, maybe it's just cause I'm a woman. I'm a woman so my stories are about woman and are driven by woman because I can relate or I have a lot of figures in my life that I can I can base it loosely, keyword, word loosely on these people in my life who have had a big impact on me.
And they make very interesting characters to say the least. But this can be kind of like an Achilles heel because I do want to show diverse family structures in my stories, especially because I don't want a certain type of narrative to dominate them, given that I intend to write stories with black characters at the forefront of it.
And really that was just a really long, convoluted, unnecessary way of saying, I don't want all the characters in my stories to have deadbeat dads or invisible dads. I want them, or at least father figures in general, you know, not just dads, but like father figures. I want them to have. Father figures that are important and that are positive, but it feels like I am kind of limited by my own lived experiences by being exposed to only one kind of family structure.
Now, by this I mean being raised by a single mother. That is the family structure that I'm used to. And even, I would say 70% of the friends that I had growing up and, well, not currently, but growing up, 70% of the friends I had also had female only family structures or female dominated family structures.
So even if there was a man that was there in their life, they were not, um— I don't know how to say this. They just were not giving me what I needed. They were not interesting. They were not in charge. I don't know.
Not that men have to be in charge, but like they— their presence wasn't strong enough to impact me in a way that was memorable, at least for me as a kid or growing up or whatever.
But I still want to provide that positive representation of black men in my story. I simply just don't have anything to reference. That sounds really horrible. It sounds horrible, but it is very interesting to think about and I think I've seen a lot of people talking about it too, where black women in general, want to say positive things about black men, but because of their own negative experiences with black men, and a lot of times only negative experiences with black men, it's continuously harder and harder to defend or to have a solid support.
I don't know how I'm trying to phrase this, but what I'm saying is, it gets difficult to stand with and stand by and stand for black men as a community when you feel like you have been wronged consistently and repeatedly by black men, by black men in the community, or you also feel like you've been degraded and belittled by a black man.
And a lot of this is, you know, a generalization of the community of black men. Obviously, obviously, obviously I know that not all black men are like this. Like I would be stupid if I said that. But what I am saying is that it is very common in the black community for black men to disparage black women and for it to be seen as normal, as acceptable.
It's common for black men to not find beauty in black women, even if they love their mother, I'm like not sure if they would describe her as beautiful. Sometimes for some black men, like they would do anything for their mother, they would capture the moon for their mother. But in that same sentence, in that same breath, they don't call her beautiful.
Instead, they'll call her strong or they don't know what they would do without her or she was my rock. But not call her beautiful. So it's like how do you provide this positive representation of black men or just men in general— father figures, if you barely have any positive experiences of them, to then portray them positively in your creative work.
It's like, am I just supposed to make it up based on what I wish the men in my life were like? What's going on here?
And I feel like I should do a quick disclaimer. For the men in my life, I guess. It's not that they're bad people, they're not. Everyone has their things.
It's just, for me, it feels like I don't have anyone I can point to and be like, that's what I want in my future partner. Like, I don't have any figures in my life like that where I can point to them and be like, that's what I want. I want a man like that. And I expect nothing less. I don't have that representation in my life.
Unfortunately, it is a bitter truth. It doesn't mean that the men in my life has have failed in some way. I mean, they are just living their lives and making decisions to the best of their ability. So it's not like I hold it against them or anything. It's just like something that I've noticed and something that I've like realized in my times where I'm reflecting on things.
And I do that a lot. I just sit and reflect.
I was one of those kids, you know, I was so quiet and everyone would be like, oh my gosh, Sidney is so shy and all of that. And she barely talks and she's so quiet. Like I was the quiet black girl, which I think I've talked about before. But I was a little bit more reserved.
Honestly, I just was more comfortable not talking unless like— I mean, I wouldn't talk unless I had something to say. If I don't have anything to say, why am I talking? I feel like a lot of people speak, they don't have anything to say. But in the time when I wasn't talking, I was thinking, I was reflecting, I was observing.
So I spent a lot of my time doing that as a kid and I still do it today. I don't know where I was going with that, but I reflect on a lot of things and one of the things I've been thinking about lately is the, the term daddy issues. And I feel like that's a very charged term. Like that's a very like— that's a lot.
When you hear the phrase daddy issues, you think of something poignant, something intense. It conveys strong emotions with just those two words, which is very interesting. And I was like, what does even that mean? Like, what does daddy issues even mean?
Like you have issues with your father? What does that mean? Do I have them? Like what is this? What's going on here?
So I looked it up. I looked up the definition of daddy issues to get to the bottom of this, and the definition was interesting. I feel like a lot of people have daddy issues, like, more, more people than you think.
More people have daddy issues than they would agree with because I feel like the term is so charged with negative emotions. That you wouldn't want to align yourself with it because it feels like if you have daddy issues in your family, it has in some way failed you. And so people kind of like avoid that term like a plague or like don't feel the desire to associate themselves with it any way.
But the definition is as follows, daddy issues is a term that is often used disparagingly to refer to women who have complex, confusing or dysfunctional relationships with men. It also includes people who project subconscious impulses, which can be negative or positive toward male partners in their life and is caused by an insufficient parental relationship.
So I feel like the second part of that definition is what most people associate with the term daddy issues. But I feel like for that first part, referring to women who have complex, confusing or dysfunctional relationships with men is relevant to a lot of women. Or even people in general, not just women.
I feel like boys have daddy issues. I don't know why it just says women because boys have daddy issues. And that's like, I mean, that's just the way of the world sometimes. But let's focus instead on the complex, confusing and dysfunctional relationship with men like that part of the definition is so interesting to me.
And I feel like if we just thought of the term daddy issues as something like that, it would be less negative and a lot more people would identify with having it. But it is, as the definition said, used disparagingly. It feels like that term is criticizing the person with the issues instead of the person that gave them the issues, which I think is a problem for this term.
I think it's not good. Obviously it's not good, but it feels like victim blaming in the same way that a lot of victims of abuse are blamed. Where the finger is pointed at them instead of the person that's actually causing the harm.
And I feel like after reading the definition, I don't feel as negative about it. I feel like it's not as bad, it's not as offensive. Like if somebody told me that I had daddy issues, I feel like you shouldn't really be offended.
I mean, I guess you can because given the context of the situation, if you know they're using it in a way to insult you, then be offended. But associating the term daddy issues with something that's like negative inherently, even if the person using is not using it in a way that's intended to be offensive, is kind of unnecessary.
What is that word? When you are like overly defensive?
Like aggressively defensive? I can't remember. Anyway, you get the idea. But among all this, when I'm trying to write these father figures, I really want it to be authentic. Like I'm really trying to breathe life into all of the characters that I write, but I feel like I'm not able to do this somehow. I feel like some type of way.
Like something is missing. Something's not clicking. Because it feels like most of the time when I'm writing father figures that I'm just basically faking it until I make it. Or I'm like writing what I wish was the truth in my life. But I guess maybe I shouldn't do that. Like maybe it's good to have these flawed characters.
I mean, obviously everyone loves a good, flawed character. But maybe I should really lean into these flawed characters instead of trying to run away from them and create positive representation. I mean, I feel like you can be positive, a character can be good representation of a community and still be flawed because everyone is flawed.
But it feels like the flaws that I'd be focusing on are too, too big of a flaw. Like it feels like that's not good. But I feel like if I'm not being authentic, then I end up somehow leaning into tropes too hard. You know the church dad in that— do you guys remember that Disney movie called Let It Shine?
And it's a movieand I guess it's like a black movie. It's basically like a BET movie, but Disney and it was the shit at the time when they released it, everyone was like, oh my God. It was a resurgence of culture. And the songs, man, don't even get me started on the songs. I love those songs.
They were bangers. Anyway, one of the main characters, his dad is the pastor of the church. And I feel like that is a very prominent archetype in black culture. And I feel like I lean into it a little bit too hard, kinda like a crutch in some of the stories that I used to write to the point where the character has no depth beyond their role as a stereotypical pastor, the leader of the church.
And it kind of felt like that archetype of a black man is meant to be positive representation and meant to show black men in leadership positions. But then it sometimes also feels like that is the only way that black men are able to be represented in leadership positions in the media.
Giving it a nice MLK type vibe to it. But I mean, there are also other archetypes, other tropes of black men that I feel like are easy to lean into, easy to rely on too much, really. You know, you're thinking of the angry black man or the absent black man, or the jilted black man. Or even worse, the failed black man, like he's suffering from his mid-life crisis.
We're thinking a dream deferred. You know, the Raisin in the Sun type poem, the male protagonist in Fences, like those types of character stereotypes are so easy to get sucked into. And I mean, there's those same stereotypes for black women. You know, the person that takes care of the whole family or the nanny or the loud black woman or the gossiping black woman and stuff like that.
I know they exist, but for me it feels so much easier to make those characters like have depth and be complex and conflicting and be utterly human in the way that they live their life in comparison to these stereotypes that I talked about for black men.
And I think that has a lot to do with me being in female dominated environments for most of my life. I mean, think about it. I'm an education major. There are maybe three or four guys in my entire elementary education cohort, so all the people graduating with me this spring are basically girls. So I don't talk to a lot of guys in my classes.
They're just not there. It's all women, white women to be specific, but that's not the point. The point is, I am around girls all the time when I'm in classes and then in my home life, it is very female dominated. I interact with my mom, my grandma most of the time, and their friends.
And in church it's very, female driven, like those figures, those models in my life are strong women who have had to learn how to take care of themselves because nobody's doing it for them. And they're killing it. They're killing the game. They're amazing, they're awesome. Like, I mean, who wouldn't write characters based off these women?
And even in my friend groups, like it's just girls. I used to have like more guy friends, but I don't know what happened. Like they're just gone. I have like maybe one or two at this point, but because I spend most of my time interacting with women, it feels like I barely have anything to reference when it comes to boys, when it comes to men.
And even I've recently begun, like trying to venture into the publishing world. Even that is female dominated. Like there is not that many guys in the publishing industry, so it feels like I'm just damned wherever I go. Like no matter what happens to me, I just am like, I don't know, surrounded by girls.
So it's like when I'm trying to write these books, I'm like I don't know that father figure he's dead actually. So he's not important. We're not gonna talk about him. Or he is important, but he's only important because of what his death did for the plot. So what it leads me to is having a bunch of conflicted feelings about all of it.
Like I'm just confused. You know, I feel lost. I feel like this is a flaw that I have as a writer, and I feel like vulnerable or like something is wrong with me because I'm struggling to write these father figures in my stories. And I'm like, what does that say about me? And what does that say about my life?
Like, is it my fault or is it like men in my life, is it their fault? Like, who's— what's going on here? I don't know.
What I do know is that I have done this interesting thing lately where I've been trying to think about like how would I make this character if I was writing a woman and then I just say, actually this is a man now.
Like after I make the character profile, like establishing their wants, their fears and what they'd be willing to risk or whatever.
Like those are the three questions I ask myself when creating characters. What do they fear? What do they want, and what would they be willing to risk to get what they want?
So I've been answering those questions and then kind of like try to trick myself into writing characters that are men and have making sure they're still just as dimensional as the female characters that I write. And it kind of works, but I feel like masculinity and toxic masculinity is such a central facet of what it is to be a man that it's kind of doing an injustice whose characters by not considering that in their creation.
But it's complicated in confusing and I don't know. I don't know what's going on, but I'm struggling to write them. And I just don't know how to fix it. If I'm being honest. I have no clue how I can fix this. Maybe I should talk to more guys more frequently. How am I gonna do that? There's no— they're not in my classes.
But I don't know, guys. I don't think we can come to any type of consensus at the end of this episode. So I think I'm just gonna wrap it up there. Make sure to follow the podcast as always @jumblepodcast on Instagram and remember to leave a review. Let me know what you think about the episodes so far.
If you just listened to one episode, let me know what you think about the episode. About this one. I don't know. I would love to hear some feedback. We're just here to vibe really. I'm just talking, just saying some things, whatever. But let me know what you think anyways, I'm still curious. I'm still wondering.
But as always, I hope that tomorrow is better for you than today. The stresses of today, I hope you're able to forget them tomorrow, and if you're not able to forget them, if you have to face them again the next morning when you wake up, I hope that there's something in the day that makes you smile tomorrow.
Whether that is something like me about to be eating some strawberries and honey and whipped cream. I love to eat some cut up strawberries with honey drizzle over, and then whipped cream. Like that is amazing to me. Like that's to die for. It's so good. Like when I take my first bite, my eyes be like rolling in the back of my head. Cause I'm like, oh my God, this is amazing.
So I hope that even if today sucked, I hope that tomorrow you have your version of strawberries honey whipped cream to get you through the days.
Loved it